who knew?

Yeah so my blogs are so boring here lately that I think I am going to have to start lying to get some excitement into them. There are many reasons my blogs have been boring as of late, one is I am in a rut and trying to heal myself, which makes for a boring existence, and some other is some of the things going on in my life I really can't put into words. So if I can't put shit into words I have no blog. Some of my better blogs if I do say so myself are when I can relax and write as if I am writing only for myself, like a journal. Then someone will say "I like your blogs" and then I panic and realize that other people read my words and I freak out and it really affects (effects, what-the-hell-ever) my writing. I can't always just put everything out here for everyone to see. It would hurt too many people because I am mean as hell. Seriously, totally mean, believe it.

With that being said, however, I do have a small bitch tonight. It may even turn into a big bitch if I put enough effort into it. But...I digress. Tony and I were watching the Cleveland show (which I can't decide if I like or not) and the topic was Cleveland's step-daughters virginity. This episode totally pissed me off. Basically saying that "girls" should keep themselves virgins so men will like them and men should "do" everything that comes along and boys that are virgins are nerds/geeks/freaks or whatever have you. I am sure that the episode was poking fun at cultural expectations and rules but it really just rubbed me raw. Woman consistently get the short end of the stick. We make less money than men, we face crazy expectations about our looks and never aging, and we never, ever can enjoy sex. A woman that enjoys sex is whore/slut/easy in our societies eyes. And it pisses me off. We should be open and accepting and comfortable with  women who are sexually comfortable with themselves. We don't enjoy that wonderful sensual feeling of a sexual relationship, instead we (yeah, I am using the royal we tonight, deal) feel way too many other emotions (was it too soon, will they call, was I too loud/quiet/wet/dry, was it any good, did I look fat, etc etc). When a woman is open about her sexual needs and feelings people get all crazy and uncomfortable and it's sad. We should support and encourage each other to have our needs satisfied. There are woman out there who cannot orgasm, will not orgasm and fake orgasms. Wouldn't we all be a little happier if we were having orgasms regularly? I know I would! Ok tangent there. I do want to mention that I don't think teenagers of either sex should be having sex until they are older. I know this is an old-fashion and unpopular point of view but it's true. I am sure there are those of us out there who's first sexual experience perhaps was the most wonderful experience ever (and I think they are lying), but for a lot of us it isn't. It is confusing and scary and opens a door to things teenagers are not ready to handle emotionally. Hell a lot of adults are not ready to handle the emotions that having sex brings.

I guess it's just complicated.

plogging along

Well, I didn't think I was going to be able to make my post a day commitment because to be honest I went to be about 10pm last night. Yes that probably is kind of confusing because here it is 3:39am and I am wide awake and blogging. Why?  First thing that woke me up, lil puppy digging my head to get under the blankets, then I had to pee, and after I got up to pee realized I had some horrible heartburn. So I just got up and stayed up. This was about 2 hours ago. I am just checking my various games on facebook then I am planning on going back to bed because I have PT at 10:30am. I am kind of anxious about PT because how well I do in PT=returning to work. I have faithfully been doing my stretches and tonight noticed that I can move my foot a little better. It is still really painful. Walking sometimes takes my breath away it hurts to bad. I get on Tony all the time for his little moans and groans when he moves and I will be damned, now I am doing the same thing, as he so lovingly pointed out.

I am still pissed over the fact that I cannot bathe comfortably. Bathing has been painful since August, I can't hardly stand in the shower because I am afraid of falling and it hurts and raising and lowering my big ass in and out of the tub is an issue. Grrr. I am really tired off all this shit.

Well, I suppose that is all I have to say. I really need to get in bed and get my foot up.

Ugh!

So I shouldn't read blogs before I write one. Blog first, read last. Stupid-head. Especially important when I am feeling like I am. I knew it was going to be one of "those days" when I took a look at myself in the car mirror (I was going to put on some make-up before we arrived at Rach's housewarming party) and thought WTF is wrong with my eyebrows? I know they need waxed and I have really fuzzy, huge, awful eyebrows. Thanks Dad. I mean they are like two black (speckled with gray because who doesn't think that is sexy on a woman) caterpillars on my face. I quickly stopped looking at them and notice lots of other wrong-doings on my face and said, eh, fuck it. Whaddya do at that point. It's my face. I drink lots of pop and  love snacks, so my face is kind of broke out. I sleep on my right eye, so now it has a constant discoloration which I assume is bruising from sleeping on my eye and You know what? And it is what the fuck it is. Blemishes, wrinkles, discolorations and all it's me. Pointing out all my faults and sharing all my deep-dark loathing on here, not going to help a damn thing. I have to stop being so negative. It is just self-destructive and stupid. So there, stupid-head.

Well, my foot hurts. I have been doing my PT like I am supposed to and I keep trying to walk correctly, so Tony will stop bitching about me dragging my foot along. I really can't help that it doesn't work but he is just trying to help me get better.

I think I am getting off of here. I am thirsty, snackie, cold, bitchy, whiny and thinking maybe I should just go to bed. Night!

Early but I can't help it

So as I stated before I am trying the whole one blog a day challenge! Not such a bad challenge so far but (always a but) I usually write really late at night or early in the morning depending on what is going on my favorite time to blog is between 3am-5am give or take an hour or two. Why is this shit important you are asking yourself? Well, I am trying to not be a cheater and this technically is not the next day yet. But I am extremely tired tonight and not sure I am going to make it to midnight more-or-less 3am. So but early than never right? Or is that late than...well I am sure you know what I mean. (Ok, so I keep getting really distracted by the cutest lil' puppy waving her paw at me to play. Cute and annoying. And cap't buzzkill *bea* keeps getting pissed off because we are playing.)

Hum, I had about a million things to say and now nothing really stands out. I did have my physical therapy consult today, I cried as usual. I have cried for two days now. I am getting frustrated with this whole ordeal. My insurance won't pay my medical bills, I am in worse pain now than I started with, they gave me a cane today to help me "walk" and I am whining. It can always be worse. My foot will heal and I will be as good as new right? I will live through this. But dammit bitching about it feels so good. I am tired of being the patient. I want to be better NOW. What does the physical therapist say? Well, you still have a long way to recovery?! I am like WTF, I need recovered now. I need to be working. Bah! What do you do? Not a damn thing, follow the rules, walk with a cane and hope someone has some depends somewhere because that's the next step.

Tony has been a great caregiver, however, the predinsone he is taking for his platelet count is starting to get the best of him. He yells at me or the dogs until someone cries then all is well. I am silent a lot these days. I don't want to make things worse. He can't help it but I will be damn glad when this is over. I feel so bad for him because fall and the holidays are shitty for him. His dad died in jan (a long time ago), his mom died nov two years ago, last year minor health crisis and surgery, and this year I am broken, he is sick and facing surgery again. He told me the other day that his mom was going to buy his a video game he wanted, then in horror we both realized what he just said and cried. It was pretty awful. When grief like that hits it takes the breath right out of a person. He then told me he was an orphan at 38 and it's sad. There is nothing I can do to take his pain away. And that is my thing, I would rather suffer than have anyone else suffer. Doesn't ever work out that way but, I would take his pain if I could. And Tony's only brother has nothing to do with us. He is too busy judging Tony and I and being a "good christian" in his eyes that he can't even be part of our family anymore.

Last night I finished reading where the red fern grows and all I can say is screw you book. That book about made my heart break in two. It was so sad. I am out of books to read currently, so I guess that leaves homework huh? We are reading Gone with the Wind for book club. Wish us luck.

Well, lil puppy thinks she needs to go outside and bark.

Be careful what you wish for...

The foot saga will never end. All I have wanted since the cast had been put on was for the damned thing to come off. I hated the cast, heavy, hot, itchy, uncomfortable, and the proof that I am mortal and weak. Today I got the cast off and I about died. One my foot was beyond gross. The skin on my foot from the eczema was just well, let's just say GROSS! It felt like leather and smelled like ass. Oh so gross. I was going to put up the picture of my foot but my sister Rach, god love her, thought it a bit much. She said "I wouldn't but you're different...lol". We all know what different means. Crazy...lol

So in my head (seriously) I thought I would have this cast removed and I would just hop up and walk. Like I had planned on going shopping to celebrate walking, who in the hell was I kidding?! I am so stupid sometimes I am shocked I breath on my own. For one, my foot has been kept at a 90 degree angle, basically tip-toe so I couldn't bear weight on my foot. So logically with muscle atrophy (wasting away) and my foot healing in this angle means I can't walk without an extraordinary amount of pain. Makes sense now but I seriously thought I would be up dancing tonight, possibly back to work tomorrow! WTF is wrong with me? The realization that I still have a long road ahead of me kind of makes me want to cry. By the time I limped to the car I was almost sobbing it hurt so bad. I am so fucked.

Well, what's now you ask? That is a good question. Physical therapy starting ASAP and back in the black boot of death. And hopefully back to work in 2 weeks. I have to get back to work or I will be selling an egg on ebay or some shit. All this and the holidays are coming up. I have to get better because Tony needs surgery too! I can't just be hopping around the rest of my life.

Well, I suppose that is all I have to say tonight. Pray for Tony to have good platelet count tomorrow and for his blood sugars to lowered.

I'm already behind

I am stealing my friend Kasey's blog. Isn't that grand of me? But apparently, this is national blog month http://www.nablopomo.com/   (I didn't try to sign up for their blog site, as I feel I already belong to way too many things to keep track) and the challenge is to post a blog everyday for a month. Kasey is 4 days behind and well, a blog up on me. I did post yesterday so that counts right?? Right?!

So expect mindless blather everyday from me. I am sure it will be fun and maybe even cute at first but after about 14 days of me whining, I am sure everyone will be over it, including me.

Tonight, I really don't have a blog subject, just some random thoughts, the foremost on my mind is someone telling me that I just don't know how to be happy. Damn. How the hell did I miss that boat? I mean really,
who the hell doesn't know how to be happy and when did it happen to me. I want to be happy. If fact it is something I regularly pray for and when I see a falling star it is my wish. To be happy. Truly, honestly, shit-in-my-pants happy (and if you don't think that is happy, watch a happy baby have a nice poo...).
And then come to find out all this time I could have been happy but I don't know how. Damn, damn, damn. Where do I learn how to be happy? Do I take a class or read a book? Will there be a test? I am pissed! Not only do I have a 5000 word paper due but now I have to learn to be happy. Fuck.

I owe, I owe...well you know the rest

Well, the cast of doom comes off Thursday, come hell or high water. Wearing a cast is so yesterday! After the cast comes off I suppose I will return to work and boy am I bummed out about it. I was making all these plans today and Tony ruined it all by saying, hon, you will be back to work by then and I was instantly crushed. It's not that I don't miss my friends at work or want to be a contributing member of society but dammit I like being at home. I like my time to be exactly that MY time. Damn. Now I am not self-centered enough to think I am the only person with these thoughts, I mean seriously who wouldn't want a life of luxury, not working and no housework?

I will be glad even if it means going back to work to have the cast off, I am just scared about returning to 12 hour night after not walking at all for 6 weeks. Wow, what a suck.

Hell, I am falling asleep and I have school tomorrow, so I am off of here. Night