Mad as hell

My husband is sick and I am pissed off about it. Pissed off, guilty, sad, confused, worried and even more pissed off. I am not really pleasant to be around right now. After 13 months of platelet death we still know nothing. And now he is having all these tests over the next few weeks (they have to be spread out because he has to have anesthesia to have them done) and we are scared to death. I have cried and cried and cried some more. I got into a fight with my Mom and I am pissed off at my baby sister. I am not a good person right now. Not sure that I have ever been a good person but now is really bad. I am losing my hair, broke out, can't sleep or can't stop sleeping and did I mention I cry a lot? We have been through so much I just am wore out.

Tony is a trooper, he still does all the grocery shopping, waits on me hand and foot, cooks and pretends to clean even when he is sick. I am still mean as hell, unsympathetic and demanding. Apparently I am narcissistic and a jerk on top of that. I am not a good at home caregiver. I am caregiver-ed out. And it's not fair to Tony. He didn't do anything to be sick like this. His health problems are just because no real reason. And it pisses me off. I want to be the perfect wife who stuffs and fluffs and knows the perfect thing to say. Who cooks the best, healthiest meal ever and kisses all boo-boos away. But, alas, I am not. I don't cook and I whine a lot. I try and I fail, then I try again. I wish I knew what to do, what to say and dammit I wish I could stop crying.

I suppose there is a lesson to be learned in all of this mess. Something brilliant and life-changing. I just hope I don't miss this lesson because it would be a damn shame to go through all this for nothing.

Seriously? Is that how it's going to be?

I have had the dreaded "writers block" which has been ongoing for about a month or so, give or take a few days. I have things going on in my life, never a shortage of things to talk about when life is concerned eh? But when I try to write all that comes out is whining shit that I don't really think I should subject anyone including myself to (ending a sentence with the word "to" makes me think I am breaking some sort of sentence law but it's late and who the hell really cares?) (ok so maybe it is bothering me, perhaps it should be "anyone to, including me"? yeah, yeah I think that's it but I have already typed in "cute" thoughts so deal ok?) So basically I have started and trashed everything I have written, including the 2000 words I have completed for my senior seminar paper which is due Dec. 2nd. Yeah me. The paper needs 3000 more words and I could really just give a flying shit about that paper. Screw you paper fairy you can't eat me! (fail me perhaps but eat me, never)

So what is going on in my oh-so-itchy life? Well, the cast of doom is still on. I am on the countdown however, 7 more days until the cast comes off or I lose my sanity. We shall see. For some crazy reason I have it in my head that I can be mostly non-weight bearing since August and just return to work full-time Nov. 5th after getting my cast off. I think I am delusional but what's a girl to do? She can dream can't she? Not that I ever really want to go back to work but I sure like electric, food, water and the such and without work, this fat girl is going to starve. Thank Goodness for savings or Tony would be out there hooking, making me some money!
(by the way, if your place of employment offers short-term disability and you don't take it, you are a dumbass, just ask me, Mrs. Dumbass).

My love and I just celebrated 16 years of marital bliss. Or some shit like that. 16 years of total drama, fighting, whining, bitching and moaning and I wouldn't change a thing (well, except maybe have sex more often but you really didn't want to know that eh?) Good lord I was just a baby. What the hell we were thinking! Getting married young is hard but I wouldn't trade Tony for the world (maybe a Dodge Charger, full loaded however, but not the world. Have you seen the shape it's in?!)

But onto other things. Tony has been really sick with this gallbladder, which, most generally other than being sick, isn't a big deal. Meet up with a surgeon, select a date and boom, no more gallbladder. But things are never that easy in Tony's life. He just can't have surgery because he has ITP (which is idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura, basically, low platelet count of no known cause). For those of you not in the know, platelets are these wonderful things that make the blood clot, thus if platelets are low, blood doesn't clot making surgery a big no-no. If you are really excited about ITP you can read up on it here:
http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/dci/Diseases/Itp/ITP_WhatIs.html
I am really feeling bad for my husband because I am broken and I can't drive so no matter how bad he feels he is dragging my ass to p-town for college once a week. Steph thank god is taking me to class on Weds. Thanks Steph!  Sean has been riding up with us to keep Tony company and that has really been a blessing, as the Tone is getting pretty down about all the upcoming Dr. appt and crap he has to do before he can even have surgery! Life is never simple. For example, to get the platelet count up, Tony has to "trial" steroids, which in turn make can make blood sugars raise and because of the super dose he will be taking, it is almost a sure thing that his blood sugar will go through the freaking roof. So one appointment to the hematologist, one to the family doc. See the cycle here. Weekly blood work, daily blood glucose checks, more meds, repeat. All this for a damn gallbladder. At least it is just annoying things and nothing really serious. It always could be worse.

Well, I think that is about all I have to say tonight. It's late and everyone else is snoring.