The other rolling stones

So this blog had to wait until I finished eating my oh so yummy Popsicle. This morning I feel like I have literally eaten us out of house and home. I hate when I get on these binges. I feel like I have to eat and eat and eat and then I am miserable and eat some more. It is really pissing me off. What to do about it? Well, if I was smart, insightful kind of person I would be able to take a step-back and say "Well, Mrs. Wellman, you are binge eating because you are attempting to fill some sort of void in your life. You are eating away the pain and suffering you feel was caused by your childhood" or some other psycho-babble that while may be true isn't really helping me one damn bit at this moment. But instead of taking that step-back and attempting to look at that cause, I take a step-forward to the kitchen till I find some pepcid and eat some-freakin'-more. I am loving life today. It's not really that I am in a bad mood or anything of that sort. I can't tell you what is on my stomach mind I really feel kind of feel blank. I am not really bored, I have shows I can watch, things I can do (like clean or pay bills, you know fun stuff) but instead I have eaten and eaten. And now I am sick and I have weigh-in at WW tonight. It's not going to be good.

My birthday was a few days ago and boy what a birthday it wasn't. Tony and I had a falling out over purchasing a grill. I want a gas-grill for my birthday, this is the second, maybe third birthday in a row in which I wanted a gas-grill and did not get one. Now I know I could just go and buy one myself but dammit, I don't want to do that. It is my birthday wish to get a grill and someone should happily buy me one, whether we have a freakin' porch or not to place it on. And if someone steals the damn thing, well you can give me a big, fat, I told you so. And btw, why wouldn't someone steal it off the porch that we don't have? Oh yeah and giving me a card that I purchased for someone else, doesn't make-up for the fact you didn't buy me a present (or a card, hello)! Tony failed this year for my birthday.

Oh yeah and what did I get for my birthday? Well, you guys know how much women like stones, so I got myself a kidney stone and a trip to the ER for my birthday. And can I pass the stone? Well, that is yet to be seen. I have passed others and even though this stone is "small" I can't seem to get it to come out. Thanks Mr. Stone for hanging out and making me miserable but you can leave anytime and when you go, will you please stop-by Wally's and buy me a grill.

Fat

I have started and stopped this blog several times now. I am not sure what it is exactly that bothers me about this subject that I can't seem to speak about it but it is time I say a few things that are on my mind. I am fat, now I know this isn't a big surprise to some of you, but it was a surprise to me. Not that I am fat, duh, but that I am FAT. *sigh* Here I where I want to say all this shit about size acceptance and how beauty is what is on the inside and other blah, blah, blah bullshit that may or may not be true but I won't, I can't anymore. No more excuses. I am fat and I have a problem with food. There I said it, it's out there. Judge me, it is what is it is. I don't just eat to fuel my body, I eat to dull the pain. I eat to fill this big empty hole that is inside of me. I eat because I don't like myself, my life, my house, my whatever. I don't deal with my problems I just stuff them down with food. I cover my problems in syrup, chips, burgers, ice cream and then cry because I can no longer buy clothing from the store. I never change because I have food to keep me safe and happy. It is my comfort, it is my friend.

People want to lose weight for a multitude of reasons, some because they don't feel "good" fat or some because they aren't healthy. Me, I want to lose weight because my weight is seriously putting a damper on my life. I miss out on so much because I am heavy and I am tired. I can't do a lot of things because well, I just can't. Steps are my mortal enemy. I worry about sitting, is this chair going to hold my fat-ass or break and humiliate me? I am going to a play next week for my birthday and I worry about sitting in the seat because I know my fat will extend over onto the other persons side. I will be miserable all night worried that the person next to me will be freaking out about how big I am. I want to travel but unless I want to pay for two seats flying isn't really an option. I want to be free of this burden.

I feel that being fat has hurt my career, I know that people judge me and think me stupid because of my size. I hate that more than anything. I am fat, not stupid thanks. I am sure that I haven't gotten jobs because of my size and I worry about applying for jobs because I don't want to be turned down because of my size. Fat is a terrible burden sometimes.

What now? Well, I am working on it. I am struggling along with weight watchers. I have lost 22 lbs and probably gained 5 lbs back this week as poorly as I have eaten. But dammit I was so cross I was afraid I was going to get written up at work for my piss poor attitude and scared Tony was either going to leave me or kill me. I had to eat food, fattening food in large quantities. I feel off the wagon and I'll be damned it ran over me. But I am sorta back on the wagon. Attempting to be good. Please bear with me while I try and change. 

Hate and other fun things to do

Hate you are not my friend. You are not welcome in my life anymore. You have caused me nothing but grief and sorrow at the harsh words and thoughts that I have had the past several weeks. Relationships that I have worked on for years you attempted to tear apart in seconds with cruel words and actions. I don't appreciate all the trouble you have caused me. How did you become important in my life? Why did I let you in and how did I miss the fact that you would stay and attempt to take over.

Hate you started with a tiny spark of hate towards my screwed up family life and blossomed into a full-blown hate for myself. Pure, bitter, black hate towards everything I am. Sometimes it is just my voice I hate, sometimes my hair, or my wrinkled-pimpled skin but it is always something I hate about me. I hate stupid shit about myself that wouldn't be noticed on a galloping horse as gran would say. But what do I really hate about all this hate? I hate that I have lost my way. I have been too busy hating me to figure out who I am and what is good about me. Hate has made me weak and unsure of myself. Hate has made me bitter and judgmental. Hate has made me fat and sick. Hate has made me treat people poorly and has placed a wall between the world and myself. Hate hasn't done a damn thing for me. I think it has even given me gray eyebrows. What kind of shit is that?


So now what? Well, I dunno. I don't have a damned clue what to do next. Yesterday I slapped a smile on my face (fake it till you make it right?) and attempted not to hate. My attempt at not hating ended up with me eating a lot of snacks. Not to mention a huge grilled burrito and two reeses eggs. So my weight is going to be up this week. I guess that is part of the battle. I don't really like the fact that I am self-medicating with food but it is either eat or kill. Guess I will be having ice cream with my pie.

Brain gunk and other useless things

Well, well, well what to say? I have so many things I want to talk about and yet I sit here stuck. I have tried to blog several times over the past few weeks and can't get any words out other than "I suck", "work sucks", "life really sucks" and "people suck". So after typing a few choice words I will just turn off the computer.I am at a point in my life that I really need to stop all this negative talk. It accomplishes nothing. It makes me feels worse. Now this is a personality flaw habit that will probably take a life-time to correct and I guess there is no time like the present to start. I am always working on me, trying to make me a better me, a more user friendly me. Maybe one day I will get it right and be the person I want to be. =)  Not sure who that person is but I thought I would share a few personality traits I envy in people; faith, honesty,bigheartedness, a sense of self and did I mention faith?

I know a few "religious" people. I am not religious. I am spiritual, I believe in a greater good. But organized religion, eh, I could take it or leave it. But I know a few people that are truly good. These people really honestly believe in God and are good faithful people. I feel humble here because I cannot put into words what I want to say. I envy that belief. I can't just turn things over to God and pray for the best. I don't meekly accept God's will. I want to. But I can't seem to manage that pure let-go trust in anything or anyone. It's sad.

Honesty, boy is it the best policy? I don't know. I appreciate honesty in people. You will notice that I do not say I like honesty in people because really, who likes someone that tells you that dress does in fact make your ass look big? But I can appreciate honesty. I like knowing where I stand in people's life. I want to know my ass looks big but sometimes a polite "no" would be easier on the ol' ego. I want people to tell me the truth. With that however, people really must know themselves to be a true blue honest person. I am talking about the person that will tell you, "hey you are being a jerk" but will also say "I was being a jerk too". Not the person that will tell you "that is an ugly shirt" and then wear the same shirt next week. Being honest is hard. We are taught from a young age that it is Ok to lie, so as to not hurt people's feelings. We are punished at times when we tell the truth, "did you break mommie's mirror" "yes" smack, yell, cry. It is hard to be honest, especially with ourselves.

Bigheartedness, I love people that are true givers. That give out of the sheer joy of giving. Giving  a compliment, a gift or just a bit of themselves to you. Just because they can, not because they want something back. I love that in a person, for truly selfish reasons.


Sense of self. What does that mean? I guess I would sum that up as confidence. Not a cock-of-the-walk confidence but a I am capable kind of confidence. I know who I am and what I am capable of, kind of confidence. I really like that in people. This is also something I envy. I have so little of this. I know that I am strong and capable but I don't believe it. There is a difference. I need to believe in me, because if I don't, who will?

Gosh, I suppose that is all I have to say.

Dr. Dork STAT

I love my husband. Really I do. I love him from his fuzzy lil' head to his Fred-Flintstone like feet. However, he is a medical weirdo and it is wearing me out. Fourteen months is a long time to be struggling with an unknown medical problem. We thought were we going to have answers on Monday but someone upstairs had a different plan as it snowed asshole deep to a big tall man and the appointment for Dr. Expensive Specialist was canceled. Yeah it has been rescheduled for March 11th. I don't want to wait that long. I want answers now dammit. Tony wants answers now. He has been in a terrible mood since his appointment was canceled and I have been mildly crazy. It has not been fun at this house.

But the medical drama doesn't end there. We need a new family doctor. Ours up and moved due to a nasty divorce so at the moment we are currently doctor-less. Easy enough to fix, call around find someone new. Yeah, good theory however, it seems that no one is taking new patients. And Tony only feels comfortable with female Dr.s so that really narrows down the search. I am not giving up though. We will find someone I am sure of it. I just hope that nothing else comes up during the hunt for a new doctor. (like the hives he has been having off and on for the past several days)

Well, as I have to work tonight and really hate being up in excess of 24 hours. I guess I will be heading back to bed. Have a great day.

Oh yeah and guess who lost 4 more pounds? That would be me!!

Wow

Today it a much better day. I actually slept for four hours straight, twice. So, basically I slept for a grand total of eight hours and I feel like a new woman. Yeah me! Sometimes, when I get in a mood like I was yesterday I blog because if I don't my head will explode, then I go back and I am tempted to delete the blog I wrote because A: they aren't usually good blogs and B: I think they make me look bi-polar, unstable, crazy umm a bit emotional. However, once posted I do not like to delete blogs. As my friend Phyllis has been known to say "it is what it is", thus the poorly written, semi-crazy sounding blogs stay. *sigh* Don't ya'll feel sorry for Tony having to live with a mess like me?

As for Weight Watchers, they can kiss my ass this morning. I want something full of fat, sugar, cream, eggs, butter and taste. Where is Paula Deen when a fat girls needs her? I actually had dreams about a luscious cheeseburger last night, loaded with all the goodies, slathered in Miracle Whip, bacon, BBQ sauce, and all the fixings and I cried a little because I could never take one juicy bite during the dream. Not even one bite. This morning to attempt to satisfy this craving I had a vegetarian mushroom burger, with cardboard tasty wheat bread, lettuce, a snort of mayo, and a salad with fat-free cheese like substance and dressing. It was well, it was, not a cheeseburger. But I am full and I have meet some of my daily requirements. Tonight it weigh-in and I don't think I am down a damn pound. I am going to have to suck it up and start exercising and the mere thought of exercising makes me want to barf. Wish me luck.

Maybe a nap is in order

Someone pissed in my Wheaties this morning and I am not happy about it. Not that anyone except the occasional weirdo would be happy about tinkle in their Wheaties but I really hate being this pissed off in the morning. For one I really dislike being up this early. I don't care for the quiet and all the time to think. I don't like being left alone with my thoughts because they sound eerily like my mother and they never have anything good to say. I never hear, "your a good person" or "gosh people love you". Nope, not my inner voice, it nags and says shit like "you suck" or "why aren't your smarter, prettier, thinner" or "why aren't you cleaning, this house is filthy, you can't even take care of your own house", I am guessing you get the point. Mornings are the worst time of the day for me most generally. Unless I start out in a good state of mind with plenty of sleep to back it up then I can enjoy the morning. This is not the case this morning. My sleep has been screwed up for awhile. I sleep maybe two hours at a time and then I am up either to pee or I am just wide awake. It sucks. I am tired about 5pm and ready to be in bed by 7pm and up again by 11 or at the latest 1a. It is stupid. I work night shift so I don't understand what the deal is with this shitty sleeping pattern. Up down, up down and up again. Pissing me off. Even the dogs are starting to get mad. Beatrice who used to follow me everywhere no longer gets up with me. She will occasionally snort at me and see if I brought back a snack but other than a snort she stays in her doggie bed, sleeping! Dammit I want to sleep too.

So what is pissing me off this AM? Well, stupid shit that has nothing to do with nothing really. I am tired of people hating on us fat people. You don't like me because I am fat well, fuck off. I probably don't like you either because you are a judgmental, shallow dickhead. I am not fat to personally offend you, your family or whatever bullshit beliefs you have. Yeah I obviously eat a lot and don't make the healthiest choices and I probably am lazy too but it is not any of your damn business. Why don't you take care of your family and business and I will worry about mine.  I don't live off of welfare, you aren't supporting my "habit" so please do me a favor and go fuck yourself (not that you will enjoy that because you are a terrible lay because shallow people suck in bed)*I was originally going to edit out all the stuff about being a terrible lay, but it's funny (childish) if nothing else* .

So with that, I think I shall, put the laundry in the dryer, let the doggies out and attempt to go back to bed before someone gets hurt.