Friday, January 20, 2012

Fluid and other buildup

I have so much to say and I don't know where to start. Part of me thinks that I share too much and the other part of me thinks that if I don't share I will explode. So, I will just start and share and hope that I don't explode because exploding (unless in a intimate way) pretty much sucks.

As everyone that speaks to me in person or reads my posts knows that Tony remains ill. There is no cure for his illness. It will only progress. This is part of life. A really shitty part of life. I guess you can be optimistic and live everyday as if it is your last or you can mourn that your life will be shortened. Knowing that you will suffer in pain and all that suffering will be for naught because in the end, you will still die. You can have hope and reach out to others for comfort. You can have religion, spirituality and peace. Or you can flop around hopeless and lost. I hope that you can choose peace.

Tony, well, he is lost. He can't find peace. He doesn't believe in peace, actually. He doesn't believe in a better place or of a God that loves us. He doesn't believe in much, really. Just that life is full of pain and suffering and people sucking. He embraces this belief, in fact. He will say why put out any effort when people are just going to hurt you, they are going to leave you. They are people I tell him. They are imperfect, petty and self-absorbed. They will lie and cheat and steal but you have to embrace those moments that don't suck. Those moments however fleeting, of happiness and joy. Those quiet moments of peace. But, my Tony, my love, you shouldn't put hurt back into a world that is already full of more suffering than it can possible stand. You put out this hurt and pain and expect rainbows and butterflies. Where does this make sense? What are you thinking?

Tony is pushing everyone away, I think. I assume. I guess? Either that or he is a huge dick with nothing to lose. I want to think he feels that things will be easier if everyone hates him or has been hurt by him? Those are my thoughts but with that pushing he is saying and doing things that is not acceptable. Today he tells me he doesn't love me. He can't love me. When I cry he yells at me. So I withdrawl. I am a raw shell of a person. I didn't think marriage was supposed to hurt. I say, "Tony, you are breaking my heart". He says, "I don't understand what you are saying". Really? Twenty-two years we have been together. Twenty-two and you have the balls to tell me you don't think you love me or that you can love me? I know, my love, I know that you are ill. I know the outcome of life. But I also know that you shouldn't treat people the way you have been treating them. You can't hide behind the excuse that you are sick.