Misery, company and the like...

Marriage is not for wimps or those that easily give up. Marriage is a constant give, give, give and perhaps an occasional take. Marriage is...well...a pain in my ass right now.

*disclaimer* It is very hard not to "air-out" all of my dirty laundry on the net. Blogging and the anonymity of the internet makes it so very tempting to trash my husband (or whomever is annoying the crap outta me this week) but I know from past experience that is tends to hurt the other parties feelings when you trash them on the 'net. Remember there is always three sides to a story, the right I mean my side, the other side and the actual truth. And who the heck cares about the truth? I mean really, the truth is so overrated it is sickening.

But on with the blog. Tony and I are having a difficult time right now.What is our problem? Well it is the whole, day-in, day-out parts of marriage that has us bogged down in misery. Part of the problem is money which with both of us being spenders and money being tight has made us both edgy. I feel like a failure because I am the provider for our family and what I am providing is not enough. I never wanted to be the "poor" nurse and dammit I am. Tony, well, he is going to have to get a job and after 10 years not working and a poor job market is a daunting task to say the least. 

The other part of the problem is...oh boy, I hate to admit this, but me being an ass. I know, I know, it is hard to believe but it happens. Sometimes, I place the ass-hat firmly on my head and I dare someone to try and knock it off. I had some issues with the way things were going on and I have voiced them loudly over and over. Finally, Tony listened and is trying to change things and now, well, now I am really mad. I mean, who the hell listens and tries to change. I mean really? After almost 20 years of being together you are going to change? Oh that is such a dirty, mean, low-down trick and now what I am supposed to do? I have a "role" to fulfill and you do too. Tony, dear, Tony you can't just change our roles without consent from me. Hell, I think we might even need a contract, perhaps even a lawyer! You can't change and be flexible all the sudden. Damn, damn and damn. Now what I am going to do? You know I don't change well. I mean, I loves me some living in a rut. I think I am part gerbil even, running in a circle on the wheel of life, never changing my routine and pretending like I am happy. You have tricked me, dear Tony and for that...you will pay.

So, now what? All the of the sudden I have all my bitches squashed. My go-to mindless bickering has been rendered useless. I am confused and lost and now even more unhappy. I literally have wasted weeks of my life (ok more like all of my life so there) being miserable. Hell, I choose misery. I guess I think it adds character or some shit. I dunno. It is like misery is ingrained in my body, mind, and soul (along with a good dose of drama). And now all of the sudden, I have to let things go. And I don't know how to let go. Just when I think the road ahead of me is getting shorter, the bridge is out and I have to turn around. It was a dirty trick you played on me, Mr. Hubby and it will not be forgotten. 

Waist not want not

Today at yahoo.com one of  the headlines read Tyra Banks sorry for Top Model ad
(http://tv.yahoo.com/blog/tyra-banks-sorry-for-top-model-promo-with-stickthin-model--1470) so me being nosy, of course I had to check it out. What did that crazy Tyra do this time? Well, as it would apprear Top Model put out an ad showing, hold on to your hats...a really tall, thin model.*Gasp, faint*  Who knew such things existed? I mean, really, thin and tall? And a model? Oh. My.God. Anything but that.

Why the uproar? Hell, I dunno. Yeah this model is thin and yeah a person can circle her waist with their hands but she pretty much looks like a tall-thin model. What is this contestant's claim to fame? Having the worlds smallest waist, really, I can hardly believe it. Well, I dunno if it is the smallest but it is pretty darn small. Has anyone ever had this affliction before? Is this a true claim to fame? I dunno, I am doubtful as Laura Ingalls Wilder's Ma had a waist that Pa could circle with his hands although she was short and didn't make the headline news. Oh yeah and died well over a hundred years ago.

Where times different when LIW's Ma was living? Sure, women were judged on their appearance and used various items like corsets and not eating to keep themselves thin and attractive. It was a different time people! Wake up...oh wait. You mean that woman were judged on their appearance then, too? Well, damn.

So where does this leave us? Well, I don't know, I am guessing it leaves us judged on our ability to be attractive and thin. What a suck. Is it right, wrong, or who cares? Of course, being vaginally impaired, I think it sucks. Really sucks really bad. Can't I be judged because of the color of my skin or the curliness of my hair? Umm, lets try that again...Can't I be judged because of my religious belief's or the area in which I live? Oh hell, this isn't going well. Isn't there a saying about judging? Doesn't it go something like "judge ye not least ye become an asshole?"

Do I hafta?

Lately it seems that my life is just full of "do I hafta's" and boy do I not "wanna hafta" (take that spell-checker). I look at my life sometimes and I think, really is this my life? Really? When does it get any better? Actually, you know at this point I would just go for does my life get any different (and for those of you that know me and are thinking well...she is a little different, that is not what I am speaking of, so there)?

My big "do I hafta's" is deciding which bills get paid and which bills can wait. I really thought I would be past this game by now. While, I am thankful I don't have children so it makes some decisions easier, it still sucks to decide do I want groceries, electric or gas. I am 36 years old and have my BSN. You would think at this point my big decisions would be where do I want to go on vacation this year not if I want to eat. Of course I will take some of the blame for my financial problems as I am a horrible bill payer. Financial genius I am not. I get so bogged down in I can't afford this-that or the other, that I just stop paying bills and do pretty much what I want to do. Stupid, stupid, stupid. And it is not like I just do that sometimes. I do it pretty much most of the time. I think I can't learn.

I am kinda at a point in my life I think can't I try some new problems? The ones I have are getting wore out. At least they are consistent and lord knows I love me some consistency. What is sad about my problems is I do the same thing over and over and expect different results. I am an educated woman and I know this doesn't work, in fact, I think they call this insanity (yeah, whoever they are). And I seriously expect different results. Don't pay my bills, I am always surprised that the bills double in size the next month. Put faith in the fact that ONE person in my life will do the right thing, total disappointment every damn time. I have been doing the faith=disappointed thing since I was a child mind you. A child! What kind of crazy is that? Really. I am no longer in what I would politely call a "rut" I am in a full, all out sink hole that I gladly live in! I am sure that people throw me a rope and try to get me out of the sink hole but none of the quitting shit for me, no sirree bob, I will love me some sink hole until it has covered me over and left me for dead.

Disclaimer-Now Karma before you get your panties in a twist and decide that "if she wants new problems, well, that is totally doable" and give me a new set of horrible problems, keep in mind I am talking about GOOD change. Good change like amazing bill paying skills or perhaps a drop in the cost of electric or groceries. Perhaps a pay raise instead of a decrease in pay. Oh, oh, I know I know, maybe I will be happy for more than 2.5 seconds before some jerk totally screws it up for me. Yeah, I know I ask for a lot but Mrs. Karma, I try to be a good girl. I do try, it is mostly out of fear because I know you...and I know how you work. I have a good healthy fear of you. Maybe you are like Santa, Mrs. Karma and I need to leave out cookies, then I will get good things a-comin'? Hum, maybe not cookies, probably more like a nice glass of wine and a pair of snazzy heels.

So now, here I sit with my list of "do I hafta's" and boy does it make me sigh. I guess I should get off of here and onto completing the list...but really do I hafta?