Do I hafta?

Lately it seems that my life is just full of "do I hafta's" and boy do I not "wanna hafta" (take that spell-checker). I look at my life sometimes and I think, really is this my life? Really? When does it get any better? Actually, you know at this point I would just go for does my life get any different (and for those of you that know me and are thinking well...she is a little different, that is not what I am speaking of, so there)?

My big "do I hafta's" is deciding which bills get paid and which bills can wait. I really thought I would be past this game by now. While, I am thankful I don't have children so it makes some decisions easier, it still sucks to decide do I want groceries, electric or gas. I am 36 years old and have my BSN. You would think at this point my big decisions would be where do I want to go on vacation this year not if I want to eat. Of course I will take some of the blame for my financial problems as I am a horrible bill payer. Financial genius I am not. I get so bogged down in I can't afford this-that or the other, that I just stop paying bills and do pretty much what I want to do. Stupid, stupid, stupid. And it is not like I just do that sometimes. I do it pretty much most of the time. I think I can't learn.

I am kinda at a point in my life I think can't I try some new problems? The ones I have are getting wore out. At least they are consistent and lord knows I love me some consistency. What is sad about my problems is I do the same thing over and over and expect different results. I am an educated woman and I know this doesn't work, in fact, I think they call this insanity (yeah, whoever they are). And I seriously expect different results. Don't pay my bills, I am always surprised that the bills double in size the next month. Put faith in the fact that ONE person in my life will do the right thing, total disappointment every damn time. I have been doing the faith=disappointed thing since I was a child mind you. A child! What kind of crazy is that? Really. I am no longer in what I would politely call a "rut" I am in a full, all out sink hole that I gladly live in! I am sure that people throw me a rope and try to get me out of the sink hole but none of the quitting shit for me, no sirree bob, I will love me some sink hole until it has covered me over and left me for dead.

Disclaimer-Now Karma before you get your panties in a twist and decide that "if she wants new problems, well, that is totally doable" and give me a new set of horrible problems, keep in mind I am talking about GOOD change. Good change like amazing bill paying skills or perhaps a drop in the cost of electric or groceries. Perhaps a pay raise instead of a decrease in pay. Oh, oh, I know I know, maybe I will be happy for more than 2.5 seconds before some jerk totally screws it up for me. Yeah, I know I ask for a lot but Mrs. Karma, I try to be a good girl. I do try, it is mostly out of fear because I know you...and I know how you work. I have a good healthy fear of you. Maybe you are like Santa, Mrs. Karma and I need to leave out cookies, then I will get good things a-comin'? Hum, maybe not cookies, probably more like a nice glass of wine and a pair of snazzy heels.

So now, here I sit with my list of "do I hafta's" and boy does it make me sigh. I guess I should get off of here and onto completing the list...but really do I hafta?