sigh

I want to write tonight but I don't feel like I have anything to say that anyone wants to hear. Part of that is my ongoing battle with depression that I am currently losing and the other part of that is not feeling important to anyone, for any reason. Yesterday was Mother's day, my favorite holiday of course, with me having the best of Mother's and you know, having all the kids and stuff. Yeah...Mother's day. I am trying to be a better person to force a relationship with my mother and it really isn't working out so well for me. That is the funny thing with relationships, you can't force them. You can nurture them but you can't force them. Forcing a relationship makes them become weird and lord knows I don't need anymore weird.

I am finding that a lot of my relationships are forced. My relationship with Tony is forced or has been in the past. It is hard, you can't make someone like you or desire you. Or want to be with you. You can't. I want to. I have tried too but it just doesn't work out the way I think it should. I end up hurt and confused and well, the other person is still an ass. What is there not to like about me?

I have a hard time with relationships anyway. I don't trust well and when I do trust it always is the wrong person. It is a catch-22 for me. So, recently, I don't listen to my heart or my head and just don't trust anyone. It doesn't really work out but it is all I have at the moment. I am too hurt to do anything else and too stupid to fix my problem. So, here I am at the beginning again. Hurt and confused.

It's hard to put into words that I just want to be someones important somebody. Like their 1st choice. And I am not.

My life the crisis...

Yeah, yeah the title is dramatic. Don't like it? Well, who the fuck are you and why the fuck do you care what I title my blogs? Are you the blog po-po? The foul-language Nazi? My mom (btw if you are my mom, my blog title will be the least of your worries)? I guess what I am saying is I am kind of at a point in my life that I am tired of trying to please everyone while I remain horribly miserable. It is time, time for me to make some changes. Now I know, I get all fired up and decide I am going to change, it lasts about a week, a day, 10 mins and then I am back to my old games. Well, I am sure at this point in my life if I don't change and change soon I am going to die. Like prob not die die but more of a personal death. I am afraid of this death. I don't want it. I am so full of hate and anger and confusion. I struggle daily with everything. Like literally everything is a struggle, shit that shouldn't be a struggle just wears me out. I don't care about myself or anything right now. I am mean to people that don't deserve it like my hubby and my co-workers, both of whom are insanely understanding most of the time. Bad thing about a shit attitude is sorry only works for so long. So, we are back to shit has got to change. Like yesterday. It has to change.

Change, what am I going to change? Well, I am going to write. I plan on writing. I want to write. I need to write. I am sure there are going to be things that I write that is not going to make people happy and I am sure that a lot of the writing is going to suck. But, I think perhaps writing will invoke a change. I am optimistic about writing. Writing tends to soothe my savage beast.

Hang in there with me, my friends, as I am hanging in there for myself. Things will be better. I am going to leap out of my box, perhaps to leap back in, but this hate has to go. Hate is not welcome anymore in my life. I don't think this will be easy and I have to let it go...goodbye hate. Hey, hate, wait, before you leave, will you take a some bills with you? I don't really like them either. Oh yeah and maybe some fat off my ass? It's not really doing anything for me, so take all you want.