Friday, May 28, 2010

Things not to do when you are crazy...

I have been crazy most of my life. Not really hearing voices crazy (unless you count the voice in my head that sounds suspiciously like my mother which constantly tells me "your too fat", "your not good enough", "no one will ever love you"....) but more of a avoidance of all that is stressful, uncomfortable, unpleasant and many other "un" words. Crazy in the way that I thought everyone's family was as dysFUNctional as mine. Crazy in the way that I keep doing the same thing over and over and truly do expect different results (although I like to call this type of crazy; optimism). When you are semi-crazy like me there are just things you should avoid. Things like (semi-colon or colon here? hummm):
      1. Horoscopes, especially those online like on Myspace. Why? They seem harmless enough even if they are the work of the devil. Because they will eventually say things that will be pertinent to your life and then you will obsess over them endless. You will no longer be able to sleep because you will hear the horoscope of doom in your head "something which has been lost or hidden may come to light now. Secrets (not the secrets, don't you know how many secrets crazy people have. I mean come on people, damn!), long-buried feelings and desires, or skeletons in the closet could be revealed (oh fuck). This is also a time when you can easily go to extremes...(really, me extremes, surely you jest)...*taken from Myspace daily horoscopes, get yourself one*. Seriously, though, just avoid horoscopes at all cost. What is going to happen will happen, even if you know about it ahead of time.
      2. Calling your mother. Crazies should never talk to their mother. Ever. Never, ever, ever. Why? says all you mother-lovers out there. Because your mother is the reason you are crazy, duh. Calling her is like poking the bear with a stick, attached to a pot of honey, which you happen to be holding and did I mention the bear was hibernating and you are too fat to run?? I mean come on unless you live with your therapist, don't call your mother!
      3. Making decisions. Don't make a decision when you are crazy. Wait till the craziness ebbs a little bit then make the hell out of decisions, because if you make a decision when you are in full-on craziness you will end up with something permanent like a husband or a bad tattoo. *Please note, not making a decision is making a decision...and you wonder why I am crazy....*
     4. Well, I am getting tired here. So I am thinking I am going to let four be up to you, my crazy friends. Four could be a number of things for me, like; sending a letter to an estranged friend's mother and thinking it is a good idea, drinking (never a good plan), shopping (I think I am a Kennedy when I shop), eating (because I binge, never purge, just binge) and many other fun things! 

Friday, May 14, 2010

Can't a girl get a break?

This week has been a total bite in the ass. Total. Bite. In. The. ASS. *sigh* And it is only Friday, which starts my oh-so-wonderful work week. Yeah me! I only have two more weekends to go before I stop being a weekend warrior and start a more normal schedule (well, whatever is normal for a nurse working night shift). I am really kind of on the fence about "coming off" weekends. Tony is not overly happy with my decision because me not working weekends will interfere with his d&d time. Like I really give a big flying...(well, maybe I will just stop here for peace sake)...Anyway there are things that I want to do and some of them involve Saturday and Sunday soooo, guess Tony will just have to suck it up and get over himself.

As most of you know, I never pick up time at work, as I am lazy I really don't like working. I like staying home and doing well, whatever, the hell I want to do. You know important stuff like laying around in my nightgown all day and wasting a huge amount of time on the internet and watching TV (and I wonder why I am I fighting the fat? hummm). But with new pay cut we are facing and the fact that I have been ignoring the bills (do you know those pesty bastards just keep coming? No matter how much you ignore them or throw them away?! They don't care that you are depressed and need to do retail therapy to feel better..shitheads) I picked up some time at work and well, I never pick up time again. Never.

Why? Well, it first started off with a close family friend dying and her visitation being on Monday the same hours that I picked up. Of course, I went to the visitation and thankfully I work with a pretty decent bunch of people that are understanding and just traded back with me the hours I traded with them. No harm no foul.  Then I had told someone I would work a few hours for them Thursday and  my Wicked-Step-Mother ended up in the hospital. Thus the same thing happened I traded back the hours I was going to pick-up, guess working extra just wasn't meant for me.

The Wicked-Step-Mother was doing better when I left last night. Her sugar was down to a more compatible with life range and she was tired but feeling better. I tried not to be too annoying while at the hospital but I just can't help myself. I want to know numbers and what are they going to do next. Why are they doing x,y and z. What was crazy is only one resident was kind of short with me and everyone else was great and answered all of my questions without any problems. One of the nurses actually told me that she was thankful I was asking questions and active in my families care. I am grateful for such great care.

So I am really worried about the hospital I work at and what is going to happen to us. Guess health care is not the job laden, safe field I thought it to be. People everywhere are taking pay cuts and getting laid-off. It is a scary world out there. I wonder if I go back to bed and pull the covers up over my head if the real-world monster can still get me? Hum....

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

I'm so sick...

Ok, so maybe I am not so sick but seriously just blue. Not a deep, dark blue where I go on auto-pilot but a light blue that at least allows me to continue to function in some sort of way, even if I cry inappropriately. Logically, I know what is causing me to be blue. It's part grief mixed with a lot of self-pity right now. Not really a very attractive quality huh? But I can't help and really don't plan on changing it anytime soon so get over it. Attempting to lose weight has made me look at my relationship with food and various other things, things being people I suppose...anyway I digress. While I would love to say I have some sort of medical issue that has made me fat it just wouldn't be true, I made me fat and dammit it is a hard thing to swallow (pun intended). I put these layers of fat on me so I could keep people away. People can't hurt you if they can't get close, right?Right? RIGHT?! No, not right, not true. No matter how big I get people are still going to hurt me. Life hurts. Living life hurts even worse then just cruising through life on auto-pilot. Being in the moment and feelings things for what they are, that is the most painful. Being present kills me. It scares me so bad that my heart flutters and I feel the acid rise in my stomach. I like having my fingers in my ears and going la-la-la I can't hear you! At least I think I like it. Or maybe I used to like it. Well, at least it works for me. Yeah, that is it, it works great for me! It doesn't ever lead to guilt or sorrow. It never makes me regret not being involved or being present. It makes me happy! Hell yeah, thrilled.

Ya'll are believing this right? Because I have made such great, healthy choices in my life things are going swimmingly well for me. Sure. God love a liar. Who the hell am I kidding? Because it ain't me anymore, I am on to myself and my bullshit habits. And I am not so happy with them right now. But here comes the hard part. I know what doesn't work but I don't what does work. Hell, I don't even know where to start. I feel scared, confused and lost. I tried leaving bread-crumbs behind me on my journey but I keep going back and eating them. And you know what? They don't even taste good. And really, I never was lost because I was too afraid to get started.