Wednesday, May 5, 2010

I'm so sick...

Ok, so maybe I am not so sick but seriously just blue. Not a deep, dark blue where I go on auto-pilot but a light blue that at least allows me to continue to function in some sort of way, even if I cry inappropriately. Logically, I know what is causing me to be blue. It's part grief mixed with a lot of self-pity right now. Not really a very attractive quality huh? But I can't help and really don't plan on changing it anytime soon so get over it. Attempting to lose weight has made me look at my relationship with food and various other things, things being people I suppose...anyway I digress. While I would love to say I have some sort of medical issue that has made me fat it just wouldn't be true, I made me fat and dammit it is a hard thing to swallow (pun intended). I put these layers of fat on me so I could keep people away. People can't hurt you if they can't get close, right?Right? RIGHT?! No, not right, not true. No matter how big I get people are still going to hurt me. Life hurts. Living life hurts even worse then just cruising through life on auto-pilot. Being in the moment and feelings things for what they are, that is the most painful. Being present kills me. It scares me so bad that my heart flutters and I feel the acid rise in my stomach. I like having my fingers in my ears and going la-la-la I can't hear you! At least I think I like it. Or maybe I used to like it. Well, at least it works for me. Yeah, that is it, it works great for me! It doesn't ever lead to guilt or sorrow. It never makes me regret not being involved or being present. It makes me happy! Hell yeah, thrilled.

Ya'll are believing this right? Because I have made such great, healthy choices in my life things are going swimmingly well for me. Sure. God love a liar. Who the hell am I kidding? Because it ain't me anymore, I am on to myself and my bullshit habits. And I am not so happy with them right now. But here comes the hard part. I know what doesn't work but I don't what does work. Hell, I don't even know where to start. I feel scared, confused and lost. I tried leaving bread-crumbs behind me on my journey but I keep going back and eating them. And you know what? They don't even taste good. And really, I never was lost because I was too afraid to get started.

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