Monday, November 21, 2011

Bedsores and Bullshit

Today is the 5th day I have lain in bed most of the day. We are talking at least 18 hours if not more a day, in bed. Not sleeping, just laying there, no TV in my room (not that I would have the oomph to turn it on), no reading, no talking, no nothing, just laying in bed. Dozing at times and having weird dreams about my worse fears but mostly we are back to the just laying part. I do make sure to flip and flop every little bit as not to get a bedsore because damn I really wouldn't want to explain to my non-existent family Dr. (long story) how I managed to get a bedsore. The conversation would be brutal: Dr. Non-existent "umm and why are you here today", Me "umm, I have a stage 4 ulcer on my ass", Dr. N.E. "how did you get a stage 4 on your ass?" Me "well I haven't been out of bed for 5 days or so" and well, the conversation goes to hell after that. I have been to the Dr. before and been like "Dude, I am depressed" and they just look at looking at me helps my depression. "What makes you think you are depressed?" Well, you stupid unhelpful asshole the fact that I can't drag my stupid ass out of bed for more than 2 hours at a time and I cry all the fucking time and never mind the sighing and feelings of worthlessness. I am a walking commercial for an anti-depressant. Hello! And then the Dr. says in all doctorly fashion, "have you considered therapy". To which then I fall over dead from the brilliance of that suggestion. Or from the stress of thinking about how well me going to the therapist went last time.

I really hate my depression. I don't like wallowing in self-pity. I don't enjoy being all up in my head about things. But I really don't know what else to do about it. It is not as easy as just snapping out of it or any of that shit. Love yourself or live in the moment or it is what the fuck it is! Well, to me it isn't and it is hard and I know logically that I make life more difficult for myself by wallowing in my pity party. But wallowing is what I do best.

Monday, November 7, 2011

I can't, I can't and why can't I?

I suffer from the I can't syndrome. Not familiar with said syndrome? Well, let me let you in on it, you just might suffer from it, too and lord knows misery loves some company! I can't syndrome is the voices in your head (or sometimes even out of your head) that tell you, you can't do that, whatever "that" may be for you. My "that" varies from "I can't walk that far" or "I can't stand one more day of this shit". It has became the mantra in my head even invading my sleep at times. Well, most of the time. The voices in my head are not kind to me. They are full of self-loathing and doubt. They are full of questions that have no answer and they are full of "I can'ts".

In reality usually when the "I can'ts" come out it is because I am feeling insecure, unsafe, overwhelmed or just not good enough, so pretty much every-fucking-day I wake up alive (damn, how much would it suck to wake up dead? Talk about a crappy Monday). They start as soon as I open my eyes "I can't get out of bed" then make it to the chair for a "I can't go to work tonight" then to work "I can't do this one more night" then again to home for a "I can't walk in this door". Now, usually, I make it out of bed, to the chair, from the chair to work and back from work into the house. Repeat on any given day.

A rather unhelpful family member used to say "I can't did nothing". Seriously? Well, I can't all the damn time and I do stuff. Sometimes, I even save people lives. So, where, am I going with this blog today? Well, I dunno really. Just wanted to say to all the "I can'ts" out there, that in reality, you aren't an "I can't" you are an "I can".