Sunday, January 19, 2014

I want

I sit here with tears running down my face and that heaviness that hangs around my neck and runs up into my ears. It's a weird feeling, like I need to breath and can't or can breath but shouldn't. And I have this 100 pound weight on my shoulders and this pain under my right shoulder blade. I have social anxiety and at the same time a big case of the I Don't Give A Fuck. I feel like I have had a good day if I shower and make it to work. Luckily, I am on autopilot when it comes to showering and working because if it was any trouble at all, I just wouldn't screw around with it. I wouldn't do it. I couldn't do it right now. I have a tiny bit of I cans and a whole lot of I can't. My tolerance for anything stressful is low at best and days like these, well, no tolerance is an understatement.

I wake up dead and go to sleep awake. I never feel rested. I want to dream about you because I want to hear the sound of your voice, I want you to tell me it's going to be OK and that you love me. I have a whole fucking list of wants, I want to see your smiling face, I want to come home to you snoring softly in our bed. I want you to tell me goodnight and be safe. I want to call you when everyone is driving me crazy so you can tell me that we can't starve and we like electric. I want to cry on your shoulder and tell you how bad I hurt. I want you to go through this with me because we did tragedy well together.

I want to know you are OK. I want to know you are at peace. And I want you to know I love you and I miss you like crazy.