Friday, May 28, 2010

Things not to do when you are crazy...

I have been crazy most of my life. Not really hearing voices crazy (unless you count the voice in my head that sounds suspiciously like my mother which constantly tells me "your too fat", "your not good enough", "no one will ever love you"....) but more of a avoidance of all that is stressful, uncomfortable, unpleasant and many other "un" words. Crazy in the way that I thought everyone's family was as dysFUNctional as mine. Crazy in the way that I keep doing the same thing over and over and truly do expect different results (although I like to call this type of crazy; optimism). When you are semi-crazy like me there are just things you should avoid. Things like (semi-colon or colon here? hummm):
      1. Horoscopes, especially those online like on Myspace. Why? They seem harmless enough even if they are the work of the devil. Because they will eventually say things that will be pertinent to your life and then you will obsess over them endless. You will no longer be able to sleep because you will hear the horoscope of doom in your head "something which has been lost or hidden may come to light now. Secrets (not the secrets, don't you know how many secrets crazy people have. I mean come on people, damn!), long-buried feelings and desires, or skeletons in the closet could be revealed (oh fuck). This is also a time when you can easily go to extremes...(really, me extremes, surely you jest)...*taken from Myspace daily horoscopes, get yourself one*. Seriously, though, just avoid horoscopes at all cost. What is going to happen will happen, even if you know about it ahead of time.
      2. Calling your mother. Crazies should never talk to their mother. Ever. Never, ever, ever. Why? says all you mother-lovers out there. Because your mother is the reason you are crazy, duh. Calling her is like poking the bear with a stick, attached to a pot of honey, which you happen to be holding and did I mention the bear was hibernating and you are too fat to run?? I mean come on unless you live with your therapist, don't call your mother!
      3. Making decisions. Don't make a decision when you are crazy. Wait till the craziness ebbs a little bit then make the hell out of decisions, because if you make a decision when you are in full-on craziness you will end up with something permanent like a husband or a bad tattoo. *Please note, not making a decision is making a decision...and you wonder why I am crazy....*
     4. Well, I am getting tired here. So I am thinking I am going to let four be up to you, my crazy friends. Four could be a number of things for me, like; sending a letter to an estranged friend's mother and thinking it is a good idea, drinking (never a good plan), shopping (I think I am a Kennedy when I shop), eating (because I binge, never purge, just binge) and many other fun things! 

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