sigh

I want to write tonight but I don't feel like I have anything to say that anyone wants to hear. Part of that is my ongoing battle with depression that I am currently losing and the other part of that is not feeling important to anyone, for any reason. Yesterday was Mother's day, my favorite holiday of course, with me having the best of Mother's and you know, having all the kids and stuff. Yeah...Mother's day. I am trying to be a better person to force a relationship with my mother and it really isn't working out so well for me. That is the funny thing with relationships, you can't force them. You can nurture them but you can't force them. Forcing a relationship makes them become weird and lord knows I don't need anymore weird.

I am finding that a lot of my relationships are forced. My relationship with Tony is forced or has been in the past. It is hard, you can't make someone like you or desire you. Or want to be with you. You can't. I want to. I have tried too but it just doesn't work out the way I think it should. I end up hurt and confused and well, the other person is still an ass. What is there not to like about me?

I have a hard time with relationships anyway. I don't trust well and when I do trust it always is the wrong person. It is a catch-22 for me. So, recently, I don't listen to my heart or my head and just don't trust anyone. It doesn't really work out but it is all I have at the moment. I am too hurt to do anything else and too stupid to fix my problem. So, here I am at the beginning again. Hurt and confused.

It's hard to put into words that I just want to be someones important somebody. Like their 1st choice. And I am not.