Misery, company and the like...

Marriage is not for wimps or those that easily give up. Marriage is a constant give, give, give and perhaps an occasional take. Marriage is...well...a pain in my ass right now.

*disclaimer* It is very hard not to "air-out" all of my dirty laundry on the net. Blogging and the anonymity of the internet makes it so very tempting to trash my husband (or whomever is annoying the crap outta me this week) but I know from past experience that is tends to hurt the other parties feelings when you trash them on the 'net. Remember there is always three sides to a story, the right I mean my side, the other side and the actual truth. And who the heck cares about the truth? I mean really, the truth is so overrated it is sickening.

But on with the blog. Tony and I are having a difficult time right now.What is our problem? Well it is the whole, day-in, day-out parts of marriage that has us bogged down in misery. Part of the problem is money which with both of us being spenders and money being tight has made us both edgy. I feel like a failure because I am the provider for our family and what I am providing is not enough. I never wanted to be the "poor" nurse and dammit I am. Tony, well, he is going to have to get a job and after 10 years not working and a poor job market is a daunting task to say the least. 

The other part of the problem is...oh boy, I hate to admit this, but me being an ass. I know, I know, it is hard to believe but it happens. Sometimes, I place the ass-hat firmly on my head and I dare someone to try and knock it off. I had some issues with the way things were going on and I have voiced them loudly over and over. Finally, Tony listened and is trying to change things and now, well, now I am really mad. I mean, who the hell listens and tries to change. I mean really? After almost 20 years of being together you are going to change? Oh that is such a dirty, mean, low-down trick and now what I am supposed to do? I have a "role" to fulfill and you do too. Tony, dear, Tony you can't just change our roles without consent from me. Hell, I think we might even need a contract, perhaps even a lawyer! You can't change and be flexible all the sudden. Damn, damn and damn. Now what I am going to do? You know I don't change well. I mean, I loves me some living in a rut. I think I am part gerbil even, running in a circle on the wheel of life, never changing my routine and pretending like I am happy. You have tricked me, dear Tony and for that...you will pay.

So, now what? All the of the sudden I have all my bitches squashed. My go-to mindless bickering has been rendered useless. I am confused and lost and now even more unhappy. I literally have wasted weeks of my life (ok more like all of my life so there) being miserable. Hell, I choose misery. I guess I think it adds character or some shit. I dunno. It is like misery is ingrained in my body, mind, and soul (along with a good dose of drama). And now all of the sudden, I have to let things go. And I don't know how to let go. Just when I think the road ahead of me is getting shorter, the bridge is out and I have to turn around. It was a dirty trick you played on me, Mr. Hubby and it will not be forgotten.