Friday, September 10, 2010

Hate, jealous and pettiness, Oh My!

I want to be a good girl, really I do. I want to be nice and sweet. I want to smile and nod and be a good hostess. I want to say nice things about all people and never be mad. I want so bad to appreciate the hand that life dealt to me. I want to be ignorant to life's pain and struggle. I mean ignorance is bliss, right? But as the saying goes I can want in one hand and...well...umm...have excrement in the other. Nothing says life like a hand-full of excrement.

But, alas, this is not me. I am not a good girl. I am mean and hateful. I frown and disagree and generally want people to go the hell home. I don't want to make you a snack and if you want something to drink the fridge is in the kitchen and DON'T drink my last Pepsi. I talk about people (boy this isn't easy to admit) and I am pissed off all the time. I can't seem to appreciate anything and I am fickle. Not only am I not ignorant to life's pain and struggle, in fact, I like it so much I tend to make things harder on myself. I am petty and jealous and generally a pain in the ass.

And yet, while I would love to spend the next, oh say 5,000 words or so telling you about how much I suck, I don't really think it is very helpful to me or to anyone else. I guess what would be better to say is I am human. I have my faults. I hurt and I am sometimes hurtful. I am not perfect and I want to be.

I am at a point in my life where I want to be a better me. The best me I can. I have been working on my weight, 46lbs down, forever gone. I am trying to be patient with my weight-loss. It took me 36 long painful years to get to this weight and losing it is hard. Somewhere along the line it stopped being about what I am eating and more about why I am eating. And that's not easy. Being truly honest with yourself is painful. And it's not something I am ready for yet. I know I binge eat. I know I eat to cover my emotions, to fill the void left in my life. But what is missing? What am I looking for when I look in the fridge? Companionship? Acceptance? Love? Sex? What am I looking for?

I think I am looking for me. 

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