The other rolling stones

So this blog had to wait until I finished eating my oh so yummy Popsicle. This morning I feel like I have literally eaten us out of house and home. I hate when I get on these binges. I feel like I have to eat and eat and eat and then I am miserable and eat some more. It is really pissing me off. What to do about it? Well, if I was smart, insightful kind of person I would be able to take a step-back and say "Well, Mrs. Wellman, you are binge eating because you are attempting to fill some sort of void in your life. You are eating away the pain and suffering you feel was caused by your childhood" or some other psycho-babble that while may be true isn't really helping me one damn bit at this moment. But instead of taking that step-back and attempting to look at that cause, I take a step-forward to the kitchen till I find some pepcid and eat some-freakin'-more. I am loving life today. It's not really that I am in a bad mood or anything of that sort. I can't tell you what is on my stomach mind I really feel kind of feel blank. I am not really bored, I have shows I can watch, things I can do (like clean or pay bills, you know fun stuff) but instead I have eaten and eaten. And now I am sick and I have weigh-in at WW tonight. It's not going to be good.

My birthday was a few days ago and boy what a birthday it wasn't. Tony and I had a falling out over purchasing a grill. I want a gas-grill for my birthday, this is the second, maybe third birthday in a row in which I wanted a gas-grill and did not get one. Now I know I could just go and buy one myself but dammit, I don't want to do that. It is my birthday wish to get a grill and someone should happily buy me one, whether we have a freakin' porch or not to place it on. And if someone steals the damn thing, well you can give me a big, fat, I told you so. And btw, why wouldn't someone steal it off the porch that we don't have? Oh yeah and giving me a card that I purchased for someone else, doesn't make-up for the fact you didn't buy me a present (or a card, hello)! Tony failed this year for my birthday.

Oh yeah and what did I get for my birthday? Well, you guys know how much women like stones, so I got myself a kidney stone and a trip to the ER for my birthday. And can I pass the stone? Well, that is yet to be seen. I have passed others and even though this stone is "small" I can't seem to get it to come out. Thanks Mr. Stone for hanging out and making me miserable but you can leave anytime and when you go, will you please stop-by Wally's and buy me a grill.

Fat

I have started and stopped this blog several times now. I am not sure what it is exactly that bothers me about this subject that I can't seem to speak about it but it is time I say a few things that are on my mind. I am fat, now I know this isn't a big surprise to some of you, but it was a surprise to me. Not that I am fat, duh, but that I am FAT. *sigh* Here I where I want to say all this shit about size acceptance and how beauty is what is on the inside and other blah, blah, blah bullshit that may or may not be true but I won't, I can't anymore. No more excuses. I am fat and I have a problem with food. There I said it, it's out there. Judge me, it is what is it is. I don't just eat to fuel my body, I eat to dull the pain. I eat to fill this big empty hole that is inside of me. I eat because I don't like myself, my life, my house, my whatever. I don't deal with my problems I just stuff them down with food. I cover my problems in syrup, chips, burgers, ice cream and then cry because I can no longer buy clothing from the store. I never change because I have food to keep me safe and happy. It is my comfort, it is my friend.

People want to lose weight for a multitude of reasons, some because they don't feel "good" fat or some because they aren't healthy. Me, I want to lose weight because my weight is seriously putting a damper on my life. I miss out on so much because I am heavy and I am tired. I can't do a lot of things because well, I just can't. Steps are my mortal enemy. I worry about sitting, is this chair going to hold my fat-ass or break and humiliate me? I am going to a play next week for my birthday and I worry about sitting in the seat because I know my fat will extend over onto the other persons side. I will be miserable all night worried that the person next to me will be freaking out about how big I am. I want to travel but unless I want to pay for two seats flying isn't really an option. I want to be free of this burden.

I feel that being fat has hurt my career, I know that people judge me and think me stupid because of my size. I hate that more than anything. I am fat, not stupid thanks. I am sure that I haven't gotten jobs because of my size and I worry about applying for jobs because I don't want to be turned down because of my size. Fat is a terrible burden sometimes.

What now? Well, I am working on it. I am struggling along with weight watchers. I have lost 22 lbs and probably gained 5 lbs back this week as poorly as I have eaten. But dammit I was so cross I was afraid I was going to get written up at work for my piss poor attitude and scared Tony was either going to leave me or kill me. I had to eat food, fattening food in large quantities. I feel off the wagon and I'll be damned it ran over me. But I am sorta back on the wagon. Attempting to be good. Please bear with me while I try and change. 

Hate and other fun things to do

Hate you are not my friend. You are not welcome in my life anymore. You have caused me nothing but grief and sorrow at the harsh words and thoughts that I have had the past several weeks. Relationships that I have worked on for years you attempted to tear apart in seconds with cruel words and actions. I don't appreciate all the trouble you have caused me. How did you become important in my life? Why did I let you in and how did I miss the fact that you would stay and attempt to take over.

Hate you started with a tiny spark of hate towards my screwed up family life and blossomed into a full-blown hate for myself. Pure, bitter, black hate towards everything I am. Sometimes it is just my voice I hate, sometimes my hair, or my wrinkled-pimpled skin but it is always something I hate about me. I hate stupid shit about myself that wouldn't be noticed on a galloping horse as gran would say. But what do I really hate about all this hate? I hate that I have lost my way. I have been too busy hating me to figure out who I am and what is good about me. Hate has made me weak and unsure of myself. Hate has made me bitter and judgmental. Hate has made me fat and sick. Hate has made me treat people poorly and has placed a wall between the world and myself. Hate hasn't done a damn thing for me. I think it has even given me gray eyebrows. What kind of shit is that?


So now what? Well, I dunno. I don't have a damned clue what to do next. Yesterday I slapped a smile on my face (fake it till you make it right?) and attempted not to hate. My attempt at not hating ended up with me eating a lot of snacks. Not to mention a huge grilled burrito and two reeses eggs. So my weight is going to be up this week. I guess that is part of the battle. I don't really like the fact that I am self-medicating with food but it is either eat or kill. Guess I will be having ice cream with my pie.