Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Hate and other fun things to do

Hate you are not my friend. You are not welcome in my life anymore. You have caused me nothing but grief and sorrow at the harsh words and thoughts that I have had the past several weeks. Relationships that I have worked on for years you attempted to tear apart in seconds with cruel words and actions. I don't appreciate all the trouble you have caused me. How did you become important in my life? Why did I let you in and how did I miss the fact that you would stay and attempt to take over.

Hate you started with a tiny spark of hate towards my screwed up family life and blossomed into a full-blown hate for myself. Pure, bitter, black hate towards everything I am. Sometimes it is just my voice I hate, sometimes my hair, or my wrinkled-pimpled skin but it is always something I hate about me. I hate stupid shit about myself that wouldn't be noticed on a galloping horse as gran would say. But what do I really hate about all this hate? I hate that I have lost my way. I have been too busy hating me to figure out who I am and what is good about me. Hate has made me weak and unsure of myself. Hate has made me bitter and judgmental. Hate has made me fat and sick. Hate has made me treat people poorly and has placed a wall between the world and myself. Hate hasn't done a damn thing for me. I think it has even given me gray eyebrows. What kind of shit is that?

So now what? Well, I dunno. I don't have a damned clue what to do next. Yesterday I slapped a smile on my face (fake it till you make it right?) and attempted not to hate. My attempt at not hating ended up with me eating a lot of snacks. Not to mention a huge grilled burrito and two reeses eggs. So my weight is going to be up this week. I guess that is part of the battle. I don't really like the fact that I am self-medicating with food but it is either eat or kill. Guess I will be having ice cream with my pie.

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