Brain gunk and other useless things

Well, well, well what to say? I have so many things I want to talk about and yet I sit here stuck. I have tried to blog several times over the past few weeks and can't get any words out other than "I suck", "work sucks", "life really sucks" and "people suck". So after typing a few choice words I will just turn off the computer.I am at a point in my life that I really need to stop all this negative talk. It accomplishes nothing. It makes me feels worse. Now this is a personality flaw habit that will probably take a life-time to correct and I guess there is no time like the present to start. I am always working on me, trying to make me a better me, a more user friendly me. Maybe one day I will get it right and be the person I want to be. =)  Not sure who that person is but I thought I would share a few personality traits I envy in people; faith, honesty,bigheartedness, a sense of self and did I mention faith?

I know a few "religious" people. I am not religious. I am spiritual, I believe in a greater good. But organized religion, eh, I could take it or leave it. But I know a few people that are truly good. These people really honestly believe in God and are good faithful people. I feel humble here because I cannot put into words what I want to say. I envy that belief. I can't just turn things over to God and pray for the best. I don't meekly accept God's will. I want to. But I can't seem to manage that pure let-go trust in anything or anyone. It's sad.

Honesty, boy is it the best policy? I don't know. I appreciate honesty in people. You will notice that I do not say I like honesty in people because really, who likes someone that tells you that dress does in fact make your ass look big? But I can appreciate honesty. I like knowing where I stand in people's life. I want to know my ass looks big but sometimes a polite "no" would be easier on the ol' ego. I want people to tell me the truth. With that however, people really must know themselves to be a true blue honest person. I am talking about the person that will tell you, "hey you are being a jerk" but will also say "I was being a jerk too". Not the person that will tell you "that is an ugly shirt" and then wear the same shirt next week. Being honest is hard. We are taught from a young age that it is Ok to lie, so as to not hurt people's feelings. We are punished at times when we tell the truth, "did you break mommie's mirror" "yes" smack, yell, cry. It is hard to be honest, especially with ourselves.

Bigheartedness, I love people that are true givers. That give out of the sheer joy of giving. Giving  a compliment, a gift or just a bit of themselves to you. Just because they can, not because they want something back. I love that in a person, for truly selfish reasons.


Sense of self. What does that mean? I guess I would sum that up as confidence. Not a cock-of-the-walk confidence but a I am capable kind of confidence. I know who I am and what I am capable of, kind of confidence. I really like that in people. This is also something I envy. I have so little of this. I know that I am strong and capable but I don't believe it. There is a difference. I need to believe in me, because if I don't, who will?

Gosh, I suppose that is all I have to say.