AS I sit here crying and wondering where I went wrong in life, I stopped crying and started thinking why do I feel that I went wrong in life. I mean is that a thing? I'm not saying I have never made any bad choices, lied, hurt someone or any of the things that make "bad" people "bad" in societies mind. But I don't know why I feel the need to blame the bad in my life or the wrong in my life on Karma or a vengeful God or myself and my wrongness.
It's weird thought process really. Hell, if I get a zit on my nose, it's Karma because last week I was snarky about a co-workers less than perfect skin. My best example would be, ummm, I was not a very nice person in my early 20's and made lots and lots of bad, bad decisions. Rash decisions for that matter. Bad decisions in the fact that they were harmful to my already delicate self-esteem and worth. Well, after several of these bad, bad decisions, I had the red-blotch of whoredom on my face. I kind of just accepted the blotch as punishment for being less than perfect and pissing Karma off. Well, that was fucking stupid. I carried this stupid red blotchy bullshit on my face probably for a year until I finally went to the Dermatologist who was like ummm that is stress induced and caused by an addiction to steroid cream (which I was using by the vat on my face). He gave me some cream and in a few weeks, my face was all back to normal. I didn't even see Karma in his office.
I wonder sometimes how I got to this belief. Why when something bad happens it is automatically Karma, God's pissed off or bad luck. When in reality it is just life. Sometimes life is good. Things are grand and should be enjoyed but in my case they aren't because I am always waiting for the bad Karma, the bad luck, the bad and bad and bad. It ruins the good. And life is so good sometimes. So very good.