Pictures

So it has been awhile since I have blogged. I have nothing but excuses and the main one is social media but that is a story for another day. Today, I have something weighing heavy on my mind and heart and I need to get it out. Recently, someone posted pictures of my mother on Facebook, stating they missed her. These photos were from a time my mother was in their life. These pictures took the breath out of me and I cried for awhile. I have been "in my head" since the pictures were posted. This person might remember that that spent with my mother as a good time in their life. My mom could be a lot of fun, if she wasn't your mother. She was pretty, funny, personable but she was an alcoholic and a drug addict. Saying those things and seeing them in black and white are two very different things and it hurts to see it.

These photos were taken during a really bad time in my life. A time that I have never really recovered from, in all honestly. My mom left me to go take care of someone else's children. I was 16ish years old. I needed my mother. To be honest, I hadn't had her that long at that point. I lived with my grandparents until I was 11 or 12, so at the most I had my mom be my mother for only a brief 4 or 5 years and after her divorce, she moved in with another man and took care of his kids. Again, my mother chose someone other than me. This was a very hard time in my life. My friends went through their own things but my worries were different. Food was an issue, whenever mom would remember, she would stop by and give me money for groceries. Thankfully, I was dating Tony and ate at his house a lot. His mom probably wasn't real impressed by that fact because I was a teen girl with a hearty appetite. Sometimes, the electric would get turned off or mom would leave my sisters with me and I couldn't go to school. I dunno, I struggled a lot during that time. It messes with your head to have your mother leave. She took my sisters but their care was half-ass. The kids that mom was caring for were a pretty wild bunch and they would lock my sisters outside when they got home from school, until my mom got home from work (when she did work), so they could party and be with their boyfriends. There were times I would go over to check on my sisters and these girls was supposed to be babysitting and they would still be laid up in the bed with their boyfriends and the little kids would not be fed. Not a good time for us.

I am sure, if you could talk to my mother, she would have a whole different story to tell about this time. In fact, I know she did. She blamed me for leaving me. I am still a bit unsure how it was my fault other than I existed. My dad and extra mom wanted me to go live with them but I could not fathom leaving Tony and even more than that being the fat girl at a new high school. I don't know that I would have survived it. And, I guess, I just wanted my mom to do the right thing. I thought she would come back and care for me. But that never happened.

It is weird to think that someones good memories are one of the shittiest times in someone else life.