Suicidal Ideation

In light of the death of Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade, I want to speak for a minute about depression and suicidal ideation (SI). I feel like I say this a lot but I don't remember a time that I wasn't friends with the prick SI. I am not talking about casual thoughts of "dammit, I wish I was dead" because of some minor inconvenience, upset, or other drama that life brings. You know, at least that is what I imagine happens to people when something happens, hell, now that I think about it, other people might just go "eh, that is life" and move the fuck on. That isn't how my thoughts work. Let me explain how my brain works. I will be doing anything, I mean hell, I could be happy as hell and out of nowhere my brain will go "hey you fucking useless bitch, you know what you should do? Kill yourself." Now before you think...wow, she hears voices. It isn't voices, it is more of a feeling, more of my inner voice. And bam I am off and running through all the things that suck about myself. It is not a very good time and definitely not for the amateur. I have years of experience at self-loathing and SI so I can deal with it. You know, as much as a person can deal with these kinds of thoughts.

Now, here's where things get dark and it is your chance to not read any further. There has been a few times in my life that my SI was just the random thought but a few years ago I hit rock bottom. Being a stubborn asshole and a survivor saved me during these times. I have been at work and the overwhelming urge to die, not to hurt myself, but to be dead has overcome me. To the point that it scared me. This is when I sought help. I lost myself for a real long time after Tony died, I had surgery, and I lost my job at the BC. Too many changes in too short of a time. Now those were some dark ass times. I kept on keeping on but I was so damn angry and so hurt that I barely could function. Now, here I am crying, which is OK but I don't want to die. I might be killing myself slowly with my food addiction but that is a different tale for a different day. I could write more but it is a bit more painful than I thought to talk about this stuff.

What I want is for the reader to know there is hope. Please, please, get help. You are worthy. There is help out there. Trust the process. There is so much shame and stigma that surrounds mental illness and it is a damn shame because people aren't getting the help they need. Think about this, if you were diabetic, had high blood pressure, cancer, or needed surgery, you would seek medical assistance. You would take medication (ok, I know from working in the medical field, I am making a lot of assumptions, just go with it) and you would address the medical issue. So, why wouldn't you do a bit of self love and take care of your mental health? Reach out, get help, and remember you are not alone.