Suicidal Ideation

In light of the death of Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade, I want to speak for a minute about depression and suicidal ideation (SI). I feel like I say this a lot but I don't remember a time that I wasn't friends with the prick SI. I am not talking about casual thoughts of "dammit, I wish I was dead" because of some minor inconvenience, upset, or other drama that life brings. You know, at least that is what I imagine happens to people when something happens, hell, now that I think about it, other people might just go "eh, that is life" and move the fuck on. That isn't how my thoughts work. Let me explain how my brain works. I will be doing anything, I mean hell, I could be happy as hell and out of nowhere my brain will go "hey you fucking useless bitch, you know what you should do? Kill yourself." Now before you think...wow, she hears voices. It isn't voices, it is more of a feeling, more of my inner voice. And bam I am off and running through all the things that suck about myself. It is not a very good time and definitely not for the amateur. I have years of experience at self-loathing and SI so I can deal with it. You know, as much as a person can deal with these kinds of thoughts.

Now, here's where things get dark and it is your chance to not read any further. There has been a few times in my life that my SI was just the random thought but a few years ago I hit rock bottom. Being a stubborn asshole and a survivor saved me during these times. I have been at work and the overwhelming urge to die, not to hurt myself, but to be dead has overcome me. To the point that it scared me. This is when I sought help. I lost myself for a real long time after Tony died, I had surgery, and I lost my job at the BC. Too many changes in too short of a time. Now those were some dark ass times. I kept on keeping on but I was so damn angry and so hurt that I barely could function. Now, here I am crying, which is OK but I don't want to die. I might be killing myself slowly with my food addiction but that is a different tale for a different day. I could write more but it is a bit more painful than I thought to talk about this stuff.

What I want is for the reader to know there is hope. Please, please, get help. You are worthy. There is help out there. Trust the process. There is so much shame and stigma that surrounds mental illness and it is a damn shame because people aren't getting the help they need. Think about this, if you were diabetic, had high blood pressure, cancer, or needed surgery, you would seek medical assistance. You would take medication (ok, I know from working in the medical field, I am making a lot of assumptions, just go with it) and you would address the medical issue. So, why wouldn't you do a bit of self love and take care of your mental health? Reach out, get help, and remember you are not alone.

I'm already behind

I am stealing my friend Kasey's blog. Isn't that grand of me? But apparently, this is national blog month http://www.nablopomo.com/   (I didn't try to sign up for their blog site, as I feel I already belong to way too many things to keep track) and the challenge is to post a blog everyday for a month. Kasey is 4 days behind and well, a blog up on me. I did post yesterday so that counts right?? Right?!

So expect mindless blather everyday from me. I am sure it will be fun and maybe even cute at first but after about 14 days of me whining, I am sure everyone will be over it, including me.

Tonight, I really don't have a blog subject, just some random thoughts, the foremost on my mind is someone telling me that I just don't know how to be happy. Damn. How the hell did I miss that boat? I mean really,
who the hell doesn't know how to be happy and when did it happen to me. I want to be happy. If fact it is something I regularly pray for and when I see a falling star it is my wish. To be happy. Truly, honestly, shit-in-my-pants happy (and if you don't think that is happy, watch a happy baby have a nice poo...).
And then come to find out all this time I could have been happy but I don't know how. Damn, damn, damn. Where do I learn how to be happy? Do I take a class or read a book? Will there be a test? I am pissed! Not only do I have a 5000 word paper due but now I have to learn to be happy. Fuck.

Do blogs count as grades?

I am loafing about reading some blogs and wow, there are some talented bloggers out there. They really blow my mind. With their pure faith in God and his plan, or perhaps the pure true love of their husbands, or whatever it might be that they have true faith in. I envy that faith. I am a doubter by nature and nurture for that matter, as my Gran never trusted anyone and always questioned their intentions. Doesn't make for a good lesson in trust. I am one of those dip-shits that trust the bad guys only and those I should trust I can't because I have been burnt too much. I never fully give of myself and that is a damn shame. I have a husband who trusts me, who loves me and yet I never, ever give myself over to him. Not sure I ever will. I think that I would like to work on my trust issues but I don't trust anyone when they tell me things, so, I am sure you get the idea.

Which brings me to religion. I did not grow up in church and when I did go to church it was usually by the big blue bus that picked us kids up at our houses. I liked Sunday school and the lessons taught there, what I did not like was the pressure to bring a friend, neighbor, loved one, etc, I don't like to feel pressured. I don't think that it is my job to "force" my beliefs on anyone else. Do you want to discuss them? Sure I will open up (some) but other than that, I will kept to myself thank you. Not that I think it's wrong to invite someone to church, that isn't the point, I never felt like the church I attended wanted me to "invite" someone to church, they wanted me to drag my friend to church so that the "wacky youth minister" would cut his tie off if I managed to bring 10 friends. For someone like me I didn't have 10 friends to bring this was a true dilema, how could I prove I loved God and Jesus if I didn't have 10 friends to bring to church with me on wacky tie Sunday. There was something wrong with this picture because I was going to church because I needed a friend, why didn't they understand that?

Midterms today in theatre, since I can't sleep I did get some decent studying done. I should have worked more on my paper but I can't do it. I just don't feel impassioned about my topic or anything at this point. I suppose I am depressed but depression is my friend and together we will work this shit out. Or my husband will kill me for wasting 2 and 1/2 years of my life.

I have to get some sleep! The constant itching inside my cast is driving me insane. I itch a lot anyway with the weather change because of this eczema I have on my hands and feet. I often wake up scratching something raw. Well, that was gross and probably more than anyone cared to know. Wish me luck and a swift kick in the ass to get my paper completed. This paper is my Bachelor degree, it has to be done.