Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Do blogs count as grades?

I am loafing about reading some blogs and wow, there are some talented bloggers out there. They really blow my mind. With their pure faith in God and his plan, or perhaps the pure true love of their husbands, or whatever it might be that they have true faith in. I envy that faith. I am a doubter by nature and nurture for that matter, as my Gran never trusted anyone and always questioned their intentions. Doesn't make for a good lesson in trust. I am one of those dip-shits that trust the bad guys only and those I should trust I can't because I have been burnt too much. I never fully give of myself and that is a damn shame. I have a husband who trusts me, who loves me and yet I never, ever give myself over to him. Not sure I ever will. I think that I would like to work on my trust issues but I don't trust anyone when they tell me things, so, I am sure you get the idea.

Which brings me to religion. I did not grow up in church and when I did go to church it was usually by the big blue bus that picked us kids up at our houses. I liked Sunday school and the lessons taught there, what I did not like was the pressure to bring a friend, neighbor, loved one, etc, I don't like to feel pressured. I don't think that it is my job to "force" my beliefs on anyone else. Do you want to discuss them? Sure I will open up (some) but other than that, I will kept to myself thank you. Not that I think it's wrong to invite someone to church, that isn't the point, I never felt like the church I attended wanted me to "invite" someone to church, they wanted me to drag my friend to church so that the "wacky youth minister" would cut his tie off if I managed to bring 10 friends. For someone like me I didn't have 10 friends to bring this was a true dilema, how could I prove I loved God and Jesus if I didn't have 10 friends to bring to church with me on wacky tie Sunday. There was something wrong with this picture because I was going to church because I needed a friend, why didn't they understand that?

Midterms today in theatre, since I can't sleep I did get some decent studying done. I should have worked more on my paper but I can't do it. I just don't feel impassioned about my topic or anything at this point. I suppose I am depressed but depression is my friend and together we will work this shit out. Or my husband will kill me for wasting 2 and 1/2 years of my life.

I have to get some sleep! The constant itching inside my cast is driving me insane. I itch a lot anyway with the weather change because of this eczema I have on my hands and feet. I often wake up scratching something raw. Well, that was gross and probably more than anyone cared to know. Wish me luck and a swift kick in the ass to get my paper completed. This paper is my Bachelor degree, it has to be done.

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