Fat

I have started and stopped this blog several times now. I am not sure what it is exactly that bothers me about this subject that I can't seem to speak about it but it is time I say a few things that are on my mind. I am fat, now I know this isn't a big surprise to some of you, but it was a surprise to me. Not that I am fat, duh, but that I am FAT. *sigh* Here I where I want to say all this shit about size acceptance and how beauty is what is on the inside and other blah, blah, blah bullshit that may or may not be true but I won't, I can't anymore. No more excuses. I am fat and I have a problem with food. There I said it, it's out there. Judge me, it is what is it is. I don't just eat to fuel my body, I eat to dull the pain. I eat to fill this big empty hole that is inside of me. I eat because I don't like myself, my life, my house, my whatever. I don't deal with my problems I just stuff them down with food. I cover my problems in syrup, chips, burgers, ice cream and then cry because I can no longer buy clothing from the store. I never change because I have food to keep me safe and happy. It is my comfort, it is my friend.

People want to lose weight for a multitude of reasons, some because they don't feel "good" fat or some because they aren't healthy. Me, I want to lose weight because my weight is seriously putting a damper on my life. I miss out on so much because I am heavy and I am tired. I can't do a lot of things because well, I just can't. Steps are my mortal enemy. I worry about sitting, is this chair going to hold my fat-ass or break and humiliate me? I am going to a play next week for my birthday and I worry about sitting in the seat because I know my fat will extend over onto the other persons side. I will be miserable all night worried that the person next to me will be freaking out about how big I am. I want to travel but unless I want to pay for two seats flying isn't really an option. I want to be free of this burden.

I feel that being fat has hurt my career, I know that people judge me and think me stupid because of my size. I hate that more than anything. I am fat, not stupid thanks. I am sure that I haven't gotten jobs because of my size and I worry about applying for jobs because I don't want to be turned down because of my size. Fat is a terrible burden sometimes.

What now? Well, I am working on it. I am struggling along with weight watchers. I have lost 22 lbs and probably gained 5 lbs back this week as poorly as I have eaten. But dammit I was so cross I was afraid I was going to get written up at work for my piss poor attitude and scared Tony was either going to leave me or kill me. I had to eat food, fattening food in large quantities. I feel off the wagon and I'll be damned it ran over me. But I am sorta back on the wagon. Attempting to be good. Please bear with me while I try and change.