Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Sleeplessness and other nonsense

Blah,blah,blah, I can't sleep. I know, I know, I get tired of hearing about this also. But I can't sleep. It goes in cycles, first starts the sleeplessness, then the depression, then I slept all the time and then repeat. I either can't get out of bed because I am sleeping or won't get out of bed because I am not sleeping. GAH! But I am guessing no one really gives two shits (ok, so why two shits? Anyone know? Anyone? Why not three shits or thirty-six shits? Who knows?!) about my sleeping or not-so-sleeping habits.

So what is on my mind? Currently, it is mostly stuff about work. Not like work in general but more work as in this is my profession. As most of you know, I am a nurse. Yeah, I know, what in the hell was I thinking? Well, let me fill you in on something, I wanted to never, ever be in the position that I had to stay with a man because I had no other skills, hell or high water I wanted a way out should I ever become unhappy. Probably not the best way to choose a profession. Yeah, I am sure that when I started nursing school I was bright-eyed, bushy-tailed and full of great hopes of saving peoples lives and making a difference. Yeah, that was about the same time I promised myself and said and journaled, yes, journaled even, that I would NEVER, EVER, never, be one of those hateful ass bitchy nurses that says "you are choosing nursing as a profession?! What the hell is wrong with you!". Well, life is funny that way, can't you see me laughing? I have a list of things I never wanted to be when I started nursing even. Would you like to read said list?
  1. Always wanted to be encouraging to new nurses.
  2. Never be bitter.
  3. Never be that "poor" nurse. (You know, the one that drives the shit car and whose spouse doesn't work? The one that doesn't wear new scrubs or nice shoes?)
  4. Never supervise or be in any position other than bedside nursing.
Well, hell, I never really was that good at following rules even if they are my own. What happened? I dunno. According to my diary it was not a gradual shift. It pretty much went from, "I love nursing to I hate nursing". Still, I dunno what happened. I am sure that part of the issue is I didn't follow my rules, I became bitter, I stopped being encouraging, I let myself become a "poor" nurse and most recently I stepped away from bedside nursing. Where does that leave me? Well, with more unanswered questions, more headaches, lost sleep and worry.

I wonder when will I grow-up and decide what I want to be when I grow-up (hum, weirdly worded perhaps?). I had this all planned out in my head. Master's degree by 40, loving life, big house, kids, I had this shit all figured out. Too bad I lost the plans.

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