Blue...

I have a case of the blues. Well, probably more than a case of the blues, more like, umm, a skid of the blues? Maybe a warehouse full of the blues. Yeah, I think that is more like it "A warehouse full of the blues!" Hum, yeah, so I think case of the blues is a little more user friendly so I guess I will stick with it. Anyway, I digress.

Why I am so sad? Hell, why ain't I sad is the better question. As I sit here with all my self-pity; I really just want to say, who really gives a shit why you are unhappy, again? It's not like you are Mrs. Perky-Fucking-Happy-Princess. I am never really happy about anything. Slow at work, bored, tired, whine, snort. Busy at work, overworked, tired, whine, snort. Things good at home? Never, things are terrible at home, but just like anyone else it could be worse. And dammit. I am tired of "could be worse". Why can't I be a "how's it going?", well," it's never been better" kinda girl?  Instead of, well, instead of me?

So I am guessing really that is the problem. Huh? You say. Where did you go? I think I just had an epiphany. Re-read the last line of the last paragraph (well, blog-agraph?). Instead of, well, instead of me?  Well, duh, Angie, how can I ever be happy if I don't want to be me? Who the hell else do I want to be? Why don't I deserve to be me? What the hell is so wrong with me that I don't even want to be myself? (And why we are on that subject does all the question words start with W? Total side note...)

I sit here and I think of a million reasons not to be me. I am fat and have bat-flappers for arms. Huge bat-flap-flap-flappers that I honestly think will fly me to the moon one day. Well, yeah, fat and bat-flappers suck but it doesn't mean I am not worth anything.

Another reason not to be me? I whine a lot. I mean, whine, whine, whine. I whine so much that several of my high-school teachers wrote inspiring messages in my senior year-book about "no whining" and "speak firmly". Totally helpful advice for an already fragile psyche, thanks. Although, I do have to say, whining while not an attractive habit, really not a reason to not be (ha, what a sentence).

More reasons not to be me? Well, let me help you, I am judgmental, hateful, dramatic, selfish, self-sacrificing till the point of uselessness, spoiled, princess-like and fuzzy-headed. I am stubborn to the point of stupidity and I am fat.

I really could go on and on. How much I suck and how crazy I am, two of my favorite subject right now.  I really honestly could talk about them endlessly. Not sure what I am accomplishing right now because when I talk about me and how much I suck people tell me the right things, they give me good advice, I am loved and liked and all of that good stuff and I am just too damned dumb to see it. What in the hell is wrong with me? OK, maybe I shouldn't ask that question because I might just receive an answer and that might be bad. Might, hell, I am sure it would be bad!

So, really, I have no more answers now then when I started. I have looked back at some of my old posts and well, really, I haven't moved forward. Nothing has changed. Years of hate and self-doubt, over-eating and sadness has gotten me nowhere. And I am saddened by that. I am sad that I can't move on, I am sad that I have wasted an inordinate amount of time on being sick in the head and hating myself. I am sad because our time on earth is limited and everyday that I am alive should be celebrated and be a joyful occasion not a burden. All my tears wasted. All this negative energy and emotion I put out further pollutes an already over-polluted world. And I am sick about it.

My sadness, it's a burden that I have gladly carried most of my life. I have loved it and catered to it. I have fostered this sadness and let it take on a life of it's own. But now, now, my friends I think it is time for the Sadness to hit the road. Perhaps I will buy Sadness some luggage for Christmas to help it on it's journey to cause someone else misery but this sad-chick is done. I can choose happiness, love and while it's scary, it has to happen. It's time for me to be OK with me.