Sunday, November 21, 2010

Three years

Today will be the anniversary of my mother-in-laws death. My Grandmother died 5 days before my MIL and my Pappy had died 6 months prior to them. I still don't think my heart has recovered. I re-read some of my posts on myspace tonight, where I blogged for about three years or so before I started blogging here. I wish I could tell you things were bright and happy full of love and hope then but you know, it would be a big fat lie. And for all my faults I try not to lie.

Thanksgiving is approaching and we still (we being Tony, my sisters and I) feel sorta disconnected. It not that we can't go anywhere for the holidays it is just that we are still trying to figure it out. We used to fit everyone in and celebrated for days now it is disjointed and we both still feel lost. I do get to go to Kim and Dad's, they are my rock, my constant. And I try very hard to ensure my sisters and I are in the same place at least once during the holiday season. And while I would like to see my mother, well, she is not interested as she already informed me she would not be celebrating Thanksgiving with us and for me not to get my panties in a twist. You know what Mom, I hope your turkey is dry, your stuffing is bland and your beer be skunked and also, you suck. So there.

*sigh* What else? Well, last night I went out with some of my old (haha) girlfriends from High school.  I will say that I did have a good time but (there is always a but with me) I still have never stopped feeling like the odd man out. I am weird, I am different and had I a bit of self-esteem I might celebrate that fact. However, with my self-esteem as poor as it is, I bemoan the fact. Different in my case is not good. I never am dressed appropriately. All three of them, torn jeans. Me, long, baggy fitting jeans (lost 52lbs). Them, two shirts, layered look. Me, tee-shirt, brown denim jacket. Them straight-hair, me nappy. Well, I am sure you get the picture. Did I look like Quasimodo? Probably not, did I feel like quasi, yeah pretty much. How is it that a successful woman such as myself feels like such a useless weirdo? I dunno, guess if I had the answer to that I could solve world hunger. (too lofty of a thought?)

I know that I probably wouldn't want to be "cookie-cutter" but damn it sometimes this square peg would like to fit into a round hole! Or if I am not going to fit in the round hole perhaps I can at least have on the right shoes?!

Well, enough of this trivial shit for tonight. Please my friends listen and listen close. Your loved ones will not be here forever. Hold them close, surprise them, hug them for me. Relish your stupid traditions, don't get mad when your Pappy tells you the same story for the 50th time, or don't not stop by when you are close. That 20 minutes it would take to say hello will be 20 more minutes you have with them. They love you and yes, they are annoying, but damn it when they are gone, your life will never be the same.


Kasey said...

I am very sorry, Angie and I offer you big hugs. It makes me sad that you say that your heart has never recovered but I know exactly what you mean. Your post made me cry. :'(

Angie's Lil' Nothings said...

Oh Kasey, I didn't mean to make you cry! I honestly don't meant to sound overly dramatic but my heart hasn't recovered and I think anyone who has had losses knows that the heart is never the same. Have a happy Turkey day!