Wife wanted

I want a wife. I do, start saving money for Christmas because I will not be happy until I have a wife. Not a wife like me, heavens no. I want a real wife, a wife who can cook a five-course meal in 5 inch heels and a full face of make-up. A wife who rubs my feet at the end of a hard-day and will shut-the-hell-up for five minutes to let me think! A wife who will buff the floors (whatever the hell that means) and clean the windows. A wife who cares about the state of my socks and will purchase new ones and quietly whisk away the offending holey socks.

What else do I want in a wife? Well, thanks for asking. I want a wife who really cares, one that will ask me if I took my medications and keep up on my Dr.s appointments. A wife who will cook healthy meals and snacks and make me walk after dinner. I want a wife who will remember birthdays and holidays. A wife who will shop frugally and endlessly for the perfect gift for said holidays and birthdays. A wife who remembers important dates and pays bills on time. On time I say, none of this OHMYGOD they are shutting off the electric, hurry up and run out there and throw some money at the electric company man!

I want a wife dammit. A wife, a good, clean, honest wife. One who makes hand-crafted gifts and a mean martini.