Sunday, June 19, 2011

What in the heck in this lump in my throat?

Today has been a full of festive moods days to say the least. Festive moods?! Well, yeah, because festive moods sounds much better than I-want-to-strangle-my-spouse-mood. And it is not quite so umm, damming as evidence should I slip and strangle my spouse. Not that I would mind wouldn't but if I did surely I wouldn't post it on the internet for the world to see! Right?! Right?!

What has my panties in a twist? Well, several things. As most of you know, my spouse is chronically ill. Meaning he is sick most of the freakin' time. Not his fault. Not his fault, boy this is so hard to remember at times. When he is puny and whining, when he is yelling and mean, when he is not sleeping and telling me endlessly about the news I have to tell myself, he is sick and it is not his fault. And it is a whole lot like my other most un-favorite saying "it could be worse". Fuck those sayings right in the goat-ass. Yeah, those sayings are true and sometimes they get me through the day but well, more often than not they just make me angrier.

Yeah, I realize things could be worse. They could, they always can be and at times, things will be worse but do you know how much that really helps me in the middle of a crisis?! None! Not one damn bit. Yeah, worse, well to hell with worse. To hell with you for telling me "it could be worse". I wouldn't tell you that because dammit to hell, it is worse and worse and than briefly good, then worse. Dramatic, always, true, you know it.

As for the his is sick and it is not his fault. Well, it is not his fault. I don't think that anyone (other than those weirdo's with Munchhausen disorder) would chose to be sick. There are days when he feels fine. His mood is good, his tummy doesn't hurt, his blood count is OK and he functions. But those days are few and far between here lately. When we first starting struggling with illness it was the whole finding the diagnosis, then finding the correct treatment and taking different medications and now, we are doing the whole thing again. Yes, I say we because it is a struggle that we go through together. He is my spouse, when he hurts, I am mad if I didn't cause the pain, when he vomits, I clean the mess, when he can't sleep, guess who isn't sleeping?! All joking aside, illness affects (or is it that damned effect?) the whole family unit. It is hard because sometimes, you just want to get up and do and not worry is this a sick day, or a good day. Are we going to make it through the day without any meltdowns, vomiting or other problems? It's hard on both of us. And it is harder not to be selfish and say "why". Why doesn't really help either because it just is, there is no why.

I struggle. I am human and have my own problems, like this huge lump in my throat that is all the bitterness and sadness that I feel (or acid-reflux from all the junk I have eaten to try and numb the pain). I make mistakes and say hateful things. I cry and I bitch and complain. I over-share then build walls to protect myself. I am fragile and I am sad.

So while I hate all this bullshit about "it could be worse" or "not his fault" and the occasional "why" it's true and dammit that really makes me mad.

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