Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Illness is only for the sick

The hubby is ill, like seriously, are you fucking kidding me, really, fucking ill. And I am a fucking mess. A damned mess. A hot mess. It's crazy because things were going so well, smooth even. Tony started with the seasonal crazy, a tad early this year I might add, and I pointed it out to him, I even was somewhat nice about it. Usually, I am all OMG are you kidding me you are acting nutty than a fruitcake in March, which helps all of NONE but it doesn't stop me from stating the obvious. They don't call me Cap't obvious for nuttin'. But this year a kinder, gentler Angie has been spotted (stop laughing) and she said lovingly, Tony, really? I mean seriously, it is only Oct and it is too early to start this shit. And it worked. He told me the next day, I am sorry I let my crazy out and I am going to work harder on making this year a better year. WOOT.

Then BAM, the fucking life truck hit us. Hahahaha, it said, things going decently, let me fix that shit for you. And here we are 15 days into some of the worse shit ever. Today is day 10 in the hospital and let me just tell you, fuck the hospital. Fuck it right in the goat ass. It's not the care, no horror stories or anything, just it's the hospital. I only like being there when I am getting paid to be there and then I still don't really like it and they are paying me to be there. UGH. And watching Tony become weaker and sicker sucks stinky balls.

This is the blog I was actively working on when Tony woke up and said, "I want to sit up" and my life changed. I have no clue how much my life has changed or the depth of change but my life will be changed. See after this happened my Tony died. He died. While I would love to tell you something poetic and some bullshit but I can't. So, I am going to tell you some real shit instead.

I have a low hum of activity in my head. The what-ifs and whys. The should have and the could have and the OMFG what the fuck-haves. I believe I am partially in shock and in panic mode. I believe that the body/mind protects itself and right now it is protecting me because I am oddly numb and detached. This shit isn't happening to me. It's a joke. I would say Tony was just gone on a trip but really the only time he ever went anywhere on a trip without me was with Todd and I had to force him to go because he needed a break from me. I needed a break from him to but he needed a break from me. I am not a nice person. You have to remember this.

I stopped talking to Tony awhile back, it has been a gradual thing. Oh I am not saying I never talk to Tony, I am just saying, over time, I stopped talking. I let all the pain and hurt and anger build up and instead of dealing with it, I just stopped. Story of my fucking life right? And recently, I have had a change of heart and started talking more, I told him things he needed to hear about things I was unhappy about and the things I love about him. But I don't think I told him enough I loved him and that I needed him. When I was mad I would say "I don't need you, you know this right". Needing something is weakness. I don't want to be weak.

However, I am a fool.

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