I hesitated about blogging right now. I am going through a lot of painful feelings right now and I don't want to hurt anyone or perhaps it is I don't want to cause anymore hurt in a world full of hurt. Yeah, yeah, cliché but true.
It's been 2 weeks since Tony died. The first week was a numb blur, last week a numb blur and well, I am damned thankful for that numbness. I sit and I am still waiting for him to come home. Logically, I know he isn't returning but I do a few things around the house, sigh, and wait. The dogs wait. My family waits. His friends wait. We wait and he isn't coming home. And I am so fucking mad. I feel so cheated.
I feel the medical field that I work in failed him. It failed me. I have wasted all these years working nights, weekends, and holidays for nothing. I let this useless-ass medical field take-over my life and sap what happiness I had right out of me for what? For nothing. Nothing. I was already bitter and now I don't have the words for what I am.
There are things in life I never thought I would have to do, I had always kind of thought I was so damned high strung that I would just drop dead or perhaps a nice stroke? I just thought I would die first. I mean, I am left-handed -10 years, obese -10 years, work nights -10 years, married -5 years, and no children -10 years. I should be dead last year. I don't relax, hate fun, eat junk and don't move. The 7 deadly sins and I are friendly-friends. I wasn't supposed to be left behind. But here I am.
Here I am. I am here. Starting a different life, a new life. What do I like to eat, how is it going to get fixed, bought, and put away. Who's going to eat with me? Ask me about my day. Worry when I am late coming home. Take care of me. Who is going to be my side-kick and who is going to have my back? No one had my back like Tony.
This blog is just a jumbled mess. Like my head. My thoughts. Myself. Our family and friends.