Monday, November 18, 2013

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me has been a daily saying the past three weeks. It's bad enough that I have lost my husband. Lost my husband. Say that, think about it, lost my husband. What a dumb fucking thing to say. I lost my husband. You lose your keys or a pen. You don't lose a loved one but at the same time you can't say "my husband died". Or he's dead. It upsets people too much. It makes things too real. So I walk around saying trite shit like, he expired, or I lost, or he passed away and smile weakly and sigh and scream in my head " HE IS FUCKING DEAD DAMN YOU. DEAD".

I will never see him again. I will never hear I love you or I miss you or how was your day. I will never kiss or hold hands or touch him again. Who is going to fight dirty with me? Say all the mean, awful truths that one only knows from years of being together. Who's going to scrub my back and tuck me in. Who will love me when I can't love myself?

Going through this is just fucking awful. Awful. Nothing is easy, I can't take Tony off my medical insurance without filling out two packets of paperwork and even with that I had to write-in death. What a crazy thing. I was going to take him off the car insurance, nope can't do that because the car is in his name. Now I am not real sure of much these days but I don't think he is going to be driving real soon. And dammit if he seen driving is I say having car insurance is the least of my issues. Why is the world is all this so difficult? There is not many things in life that are for sure other than death. We are all going to die one day. Who makes all these decisions that makes simple things so difficult? Who the fuck is making these rules?

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