Saturday, November 7, 2009

Early but I can't help it

So as I stated before I am trying the whole one blog a day challenge! Not such a bad challenge so far but (always a but) I usually write really late at night or early in the morning depending on what is going on my favorite time to blog is between 3am-5am give or take an hour or two. Why is this shit important you are asking yourself? Well, I am trying to not be a cheater and this technically is not the next day yet. But I am extremely tired tonight and not sure I am going to make it to midnight more-or-less 3am. So but early than never right? Or is that late than...well I am sure you know what I mean. (Ok, so I keep getting really distracted by the cutest lil' puppy waving her paw at me to play. Cute and annoying. And cap't buzzkill *bea* keeps getting pissed off because we are playing.)

Hum, I had about a million things to say and now nothing really stands out. I did have my physical therapy consult today, I cried as usual. I have cried for two days now. I am getting frustrated with this whole ordeal. My insurance won't pay my medical bills, I am in worse pain now than I started with, they gave me a cane today to help me "walk" and I am whining. It can always be worse. My foot will heal and I will be as good as new right? I will live through this. But dammit bitching about it feels so good. I am tired of being the patient. I want to be better NOW. What does the physical therapist say? Well, you still have a long way to recovery?! I am like WTF, I need recovered now. I need to be working. Bah! What do you do? Not a damn thing, follow the rules, walk with a cane and hope someone has some depends somewhere because that's the next step.

Tony has been a great caregiver, however, the predinsone he is taking for his platelet count is starting to get the best of him. He yells at me or the dogs until someone cries then all is well. I am silent a lot these days. I don't want to make things worse. He can't help it but I will be damn glad when this is over. I feel so bad for him because fall and the holidays are shitty for him. His dad died in jan (a long time ago), his mom died nov two years ago, last year minor health crisis and surgery, and this year I am broken, he is sick and facing surgery again. He told me the other day that his mom was going to buy his a video game he wanted, then in horror we both realized what he just said and cried. It was pretty awful. When grief like that hits it takes the breath right out of a person. He then told me he was an orphan at 38 and it's sad. There is nothing I can do to take his pain away. And that is my thing, I would rather suffer than have anyone else suffer. Doesn't ever work out that way but, I would take his pain if I could. And Tony's only brother has nothing to do with us. He is too busy judging Tony and I and being a "good christian" in his eyes that he can't even be part of our family anymore.

Last night I finished reading where the red fern grows and all I can say is screw you book. That book about made my heart break in two. It was so sad. I am out of books to read currently, so I guess that leaves homework huh? We are reading Gone with the Wind for book club. Wish us luck.

Well, lil puppy thinks she needs to go outside and bark.

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