Thursday, January 7, 2010

Happy New Year...or something like that

Well, with each New Year I eagerly await change, I fully expect with the dropping of the ball for my life to magically change. All my problems will just *poof* and be gone. Then my life will be all sunshine, moonbeams, rainbows and happiness. I am a fool.

I fell in love this the title of a book once, it's called The Year of Magical Thinking. Have you read it? The book is basically about a woman whom her husband dies and her daughter has some sort of terrible illness and that's pretty much the whole book. It's an OK book but such a wonderful title. I have not only had a year of magical thinking, it's been more like two years of magical thinking, maybe three. The first year was the year of actually addressing the fact that a family member had a horrible drug addiction. With that came the words, thank god that year is over it was the worst year ever. My friend, Speedy, told me never, ever to say that because the one time he said that, his next three years were the worst years of his life. His family doesn't even speak of those years. I thought him superstitious at first and more year to go huh? The next year was full of death and the past year full of illness. And this year starts with the same shit, just a different date.

Tony thinks that the majority of the problem is that we haven't changed thus nothing else will change. Which I agree we need some change in our life. But we can change all we want and that is not going to fix his platelet count or well, lots of other stuff. I hate change but I am beginning to realize that I hate this life more. I hate being unhappy, an enabler, working a job that I no longer love, not having sex and any number of other things that I can change. So maybe this year will be the year of change. The year of new beginnings, of hope, peace and the like?

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