My husband is sick and I am pissed off about it. Pissed off, guilty, sad, confused, worried and even more pissed off. I am not really pleasant to be around right now. After 13 months of platelet death we still know nothing. And now he is having all these tests over the next few weeks (they have to be spread out because he has to have anesthesia to have them done) and we are scared to death. I have cried and cried and cried some more. I got into a fight with my Mom and I am pissed off at my baby sister. I am not a good person right now. Not sure that I have ever been a good person but now is really bad. I am losing my hair, broke out, can't sleep or can't stop sleeping and did I mention I cry a lot? We have been through so much I just am wore out.
Tony is a trooper, he still does all the grocery shopping, waits on me hand and foot, cooks and pretends to clean even when he is sick. I am still mean as hell, unsympathetic and demanding. Apparently I am narcissistic and a jerk on top of that. I am not a good at home caregiver. I am caregiver-ed out. And it's not fair to Tony. He didn't do anything to be sick like this. His health problems are just because no real reason. And it pisses me off. I want to be the perfect wife who stuffs and fluffs and knows the perfect thing to say. Who cooks the best, healthiest meal ever and kisses all boo-boos away. But, alas, I am not. I don't cook and I whine a lot. I try and I fail, then I try again. I wish I knew what to do, what to say and dammit I wish I could stop crying.
I suppose there is a lesson to be learned in all of this mess. Something brilliant and life-changing. I just hope I don't miss this lesson because it would be a damn shame to go through all this for nothing.