Monday, January 25, 2010

Mad as hell

My husband is sick and I am pissed off about it. Pissed off, guilty, sad, confused, worried and even more pissed off. I am not really pleasant to be around right now. After 13 months of platelet death we still know nothing. And now he is having all these tests over the next few weeks (they have to be spread out because he has to have anesthesia to have them done) and we are scared to death. I have cried and cried and cried some more. I got into a fight with my Mom and I am pissed off at my baby sister. I am not a good person right now. Not sure that I have ever been a good person but now is really bad. I am losing my hair, broke out, can't sleep or can't stop sleeping and did I mention I cry a lot? We have been through so much I just am wore out.

Tony is a trooper, he still does all the grocery shopping, waits on me hand and foot, cooks and pretends to clean even when he is sick. I am still mean as hell, unsympathetic and demanding. Apparently I am narcissistic and a jerk on top of that. I am not a good at home caregiver. I am caregiver-ed out. And it's not fair to Tony. He didn't do anything to be sick like this. His health problems are just because no real reason. And it pisses me off. I want to be the perfect wife who stuffs and fluffs and knows the perfect thing to say. Who cooks the best, healthiest meal ever and kisses all boo-boos away. But, alas, I am not. I don't cook and I whine a lot. I try and I fail, then I try again. I wish I knew what to do, what to say and dammit I wish I could stop crying.

I suppose there is a lesson to be learned in all of this mess. Something brilliant and life-changing. I just hope I don't miss this lesson because it would be a damn shame to go through all this for nothing.


Anonymous said...

you're a better person than you'll ever let yourself believe. you're scared and thats natural and everyone deals with that differently. I can't imagine going through that. hang in there. i think you guys are just great

Anonymous said...

For certain you are going through some very trying times...God bless you both for that. I hope your blogs help you vent. You DO have friends you can vent to as well. Life sucks sometimes, for sure, but it isn't a matter of wishing it not to be so, cause it already is. The important thing is your reaction and your attitude towards it. If you let it get you down, it will. And take Tony with you. You may not want to be a caregiver, but you are. You may not want to be part of this, but you are. Be the person you truly are inside, and let your love shine. Tony needs it, you know. I love you and will help in anyway I can.

Anonymous said...

Angie, I am so sorry that you and Tony are going this. You have my prayers that things will be ok and the tests will find out what why Tony is sick. I can't imagine how helpless you must feel. I want to say be strong and keep your faith but, fuck that, your scared and worried, and the only the only thing that will take that away is answers and cures. Your only human angie, your entitled to feel scared and overwhelemed. And if I know you, your kicking yourself in the ass because you hate yourself for feeling that way. It turns into a giant rolling, ever-growing snowball of scared, worried self pity. And for what, because your human? Tony loves u and u love tony with all your heart and he knows it!! You just being there by his side whining all the way to the answer at the end of this long road is all he really needs from you. Love ya Lea