Friday, January 15, 2010

Oh the pain, oh the sorrow...Oh that is just about enough

I am a whiny-ass cry-baby for those of you that are not in the "know". It pisses me off to no end that I act that way. I embrace enjoy love invite suffer from depression. It's not a seasonal depression it's just plain o' feel sorry for yourself depression. It's no one suffers as much as I do depression. It's overeating one week and not sleeping or sleeping all the time and not eating. It's crying because I can and avoiding because I will depression. And I feel helpless. I know that it is depression because I am a functioning depressionist (yeah I make up words) or maybe it would be closer to the truth to say I am a kind of functioning depressionist. I drag myself to work, I force myself to leave the house but it is hard. Hell it took me three appointments to make it to the dentist! The first I canceled because I couldn't afford the appointment, the second because it snowed (I live really, really close to the dentist) and the third I finally made it but I didn't want to go. I was just too embarrassed to cancel another appointment. And for what? A painless visit to the dentist that was free! FREE. I am stupid.

What do I do about this depression? Well, not much. I have explained to the doctor, tearfully even, that I am depressed. She poo-poos this and says "your not depressed, you are in pain." Seriously? I am in pain because I am depressed. I know I am depressed because I am smart like that, why don't anyone ever listen to me? I cry, I have sleep disturbances, I have a big fat ass and I am depressed you dumb ass. You think we can do something about it? How's about some of those handy happy pills?! Isn't depression what those are for? Oh wait, I remember now, those happy pills are now for nerve pain, fibromylagia, restless legs, weight-loss or any number of "off-label" uses just ask your doctor but you won't prescribe them for depression anymore? Really? This is pissing me off.

I know I will go to the head-doctor and talk about my feelings. You know what the problem is with that? I have to call the insurance company, tell them I am crazy and no I don't think about killing myself, others, eh most days others are safe because I am too damned depressed to dispose of bodies you stupid shit. Then after I call the insurance company and they get back with me, I have to choose someone to "see". No one close because I don't want anyone to see me there because of the stigma of being mentally ill, so I will have to chose someone in Guam who is in my network. From there I will have to make and appointment, fill out papers and then actually get dressed and go. You have to be fucking kidding me. I am depressed, I haven't been dressed in 4 days and now I have to drive an hour each way to talk to someone about being depressed. Well, fuck that. That's too much work.

So instead I will tell myself, I have to go to work. I have to smile. I have to fake it to make it. I won't let them see me cry and I will make it through this. Things will get better or they won't. I will beat this. It's the blues, it's the weather, it's, it's, it''s sad and it sucks.

No comments: