Friday, February 5, 2010

Please can I sleep?

Besides liver disease and my mother; insomnia is my worst enemy. I love, need, crave, have to have a good amount of sleep to function or I really get depressed. I can't be one of those functioning insomniacs that clean house or get lots of shit done since they can't sleep. I am one of those toss, turn, get up and eat a snack, pee, flop, get on the internet, go back to bed kind of crazies. I am hell to live with. Thankfully Tony sleeps like a log or we probably wouldn't have made it as far as we have. God love him.

I know what my problem is, I just don't know what to do about it. Tony is sick and I am grieving about it. I am already grieving the time I might not have with him and I feel like every second that passes is a second less I won't be able to spend with him. I want to grab all those seconds and save them. I know I am being a drama llama right now, hell, we don't even have the test results back but these are test results that I don't want back. I want my somewhat healthy husband back. Damn you platelets, damn you illness, damn you! I feel like my heart is breaking. Tony told me last night "it's not like I am going to die tomorrow." But what he don't understand is he is supposed to live forever. Who else will love me like he does? Who will tuck me in every night and fix my dinner? Who will love me at my worst and my best? Dammit. I am sick over this, sick. I know I am being selfish and bratty but I don't want my husband to be ill anymore. I am so fucking mad, MAD! This isn't how things are suppose to be. He feels bad at least 5 days a week now, maybe more, maybe less and well, I just can't talk about it anymore.

On to other things and I am failing at besides coping, sleeping and general life, I fell of the Weight Watchers wagon last night and early this AM. I have been doing so well the past two weeks. I am have lost a little over 8lbs in two weeks. But last night, not a good night. KFC was my downfall, book club, I did somewhat better there but I still ate way to much. And I kinda feel lousy about it but it's too late. I can't "uneat" what I have already eaten. So I hope today I will make better choices and that today will be a better day.

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