Thankfulness, I got it

I am not good with mushy-happy-feel-good feelings. I am much better with hate, doom, gloom and humor that may or may not be appropriate at any time. November is the month of all that is thankful. I usually participate in the thankfulness posts on FB mostly because it annoys the shit out of people and to remind myself that I have a lot to be thankful for.

This year, well, it's not been a normal year. FFS I hope it's not a normal year, never, ever, never a normal year. Although, it's been 5 years ago that my grandma and my mother-in-law died right before thanksgiving. Apparently, November hates me.

Where am I going with this post? Well, I am dancing around it but I want to say that I am thankful. I am very thankful this month for odd things. I am thankful that things aren't worse. How can that be, say you? Well, I could be an uneducated mother of 5 who's husband just died and we didn't have life insurance. Instead of a young employed woman who's husband just died without life insurance. While my life is forever changed, I am not going to starve or have to worry about where my house payment is coming from. Things always can be worse, my most un-favorite saying of all time has become my mantra.

What else is getting my thanks? Well, for all the outpouring of love and kindness, even the hugs. I don't have the words to express how much it means to me. It has been overwhelming. Strangers, friends, and family have all shown me so much understanding and love. I just can't wrap my mind around it. And I am thankful for all of it.

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me has been a daily saying the past three weeks. It's bad enough that I have lost my husband. Lost my husband. Say that, think about it, lost my husband. What a dumb fucking thing to say. I lost my husband. You lose your keys or a pen. You don't lose a loved one but at the same time you can't say "my husband died". Or he's dead. It upsets people too much. It makes things too real. So I walk around saying trite shit like, he expired, or I lost, or he passed away and smile weakly and sigh and scream in my head " HE IS FUCKING DEAD DAMN YOU. DEAD".

I will never see him again. I will never hear I love you or I miss you or how was your day. I will never kiss or hold hands or touch him again. Who is going to fight dirty with me? Say all the mean, awful truths that one only knows from years of being together. Who's going to scrub my back and tuck me in. Who will love me when I can't love myself?

Going through this is just fucking awful. Awful. Nothing is easy, I can't take Tony off my medical insurance without filling out two packets of paperwork and even with that I had to write-in death. What a crazy thing. I was going to take him off the car insurance, nope can't do that because the car is in his name. Now I am not real sure of much these days but I don't think he is going to be driving real soon. And dammit if he seen driving is I say having car insurance is the least of my issues. Why is the world is all this so difficult? There is not many things in life that are for sure other than death. We are all going to die one day. Who makes all these decisions that makes simple things so difficult? Who the fuck is making these rules?

New title

I hesitated about blogging right now. I am going through a lot of painful feelings right now and I don't want to hurt anyone or perhaps it is I don't want to cause anymore hurt in a world full of hurt. Yeah, yeah, cliché but true.

It's been 2 weeks since Tony died. The first week was a numb blur, last week a numb blur and well, I am damned thankful for that numbness. I sit and I am still waiting for him to come home. Logically, I know he isn't returning but I do a few things around the house, sigh, and wait. The dogs wait. My family waits. His friends wait. We wait and he isn't coming home. And I am so fucking mad. I feel so cheated.

I feel the medical field that I work in failed him. It failed me. I have wasted all these years working nights, weekends, and holidays for nothing. I let this useless-ass medical field take-over my life and sap what happiness I had right out of me for what? For nothing. Nothing. I was already bitter and now I don't have the words for what I am.

There are things in life I never thought I would have to do, I had always kind of thought I was so damned high strung that I would just drop dead or perhaps a nice stroke? I just thought I would die first. I mean, I am left-handed -10 years, obese -10 years,  work nights -10 years, married -5 years, and no children -10 years. I should be dead last year. I don't relax, hate fun, eat junk and don't move. The 7 deadly sins and I are friendly-friends. I wasn't supposed to be left behind. But here I am.

Here I am. I am here. Starting a different life, a new life. What do I like to eat, how is it going to get fixed, bought, and put away. Who's going to eat with me? Ask me about my day. Worry when I am late coming home. Take care of me. Who is going to be my side-kick and who is going to have my back? No one had my back like Tony.

This blog is just a jumbled mess. Like my head. My thoughts. Myself. Our family and friends.