*Cricket cricket*

I have been horribly quiet on the blogging front. Even I was surprised how long it had been. The months, weeks, days, hours, minutes and seconds just zoom past me while I attempt to grab them and corral them into some sort of memory that doesn't involve work and sleep only. Sadly, that is about all I accomplish. I don't work as much as some. I rarely pick-up extra time but I work all I can manage. My weight is currently at its highest and dammit I am killing myself. There are times when I get home I have to sit in my car because I am so damned tired I can't get myself together to make the "trek" into my house. Oh, yeah and the "trek" is about ten steps. What a "trek". And I am horrified to think about what I am going to do when I am working five, eight hour nights a week. Between my exhaustion and my mental state I am scared but damn the money is good right?

One of the biggest reason's I don't blog anymore is I have nothing new to say. No new bitches that I can blog about because I don't change much and everything I could or would bitch about would just get me in trouble. I have learned this lesson in the past. Of all the lessons to learn! Why can't I learn a fun lesson like, how to pay your bills on time? Or, how to stop fighting with the crazy in your life because crazy wins every fucking time? Or, you can't participate in life from your bed (this will probably be a lesson I will never, ever learn).

I am approaching my 20th wedding anniversary in a mere three months. 20 years, who knew it was possible. Will there be 20 more? Hush your mouth. I don't plan on living another 20 years. If I did I wouldn't stay the size I am, I wouldn't keep on doing the same shit over and over again. I would learn healthier habits. I would eat less and move more. I would deal with my stress. I would, I would, I would. I would be the little engine that could but instead I will be the fat girl that won't.

Ringing in the New Year

It's another New Year Eve. Whoo-fucking-who. Yeah, yeah, yeah greatful to be alive and all that jazz. Yeah, it is flippant but who are you to judge my blog? Move along, dillhole. This is all about my whine and not some hippie, rainbow butterfly bullshit about how everything could be worse, better, sideways, life is what you make it shit. I am feeling sorry for myself and dammit I am going to have a good wallow in my pity. Thanks. Now that that is out of the way let's get to the meat and potato of the matter. Why am I wallowing? Because, I can fuck-tard. Have you met me? I LOVES me some good ol' fashion pity wallowing. Hell, it is one of the best things I accomplish in life. I am damn proud of my wallowing abilities, they are pretty awesome. I can possess sighing and bed-riding abilities like no other. What is bed riding? Well, that is the ability to lay in bed for obscene amounts of time, while sighing and occasionally having human contact. I can ride that bed for days at a time! The only wallowing ability I do no possess however, is lack of hygiene. Sorry to disappoint you but while I may wallow I do not smell. I might look smelly but if you get close enough, which would involve you climbing in my bed, you would notice a nice whiff of clean ass, just throwing that out there for your pleasure.

My inner hope wants me to be like 2013 will be my year. Yeah! Let's go team and all that jazz but then my inner reality is all like "really bitch and how well has that rah-rah bullshit worked out for you in the past"? Then ensues the drama, level 1, requiring immediate attention aka retirement to my bed, so I can attempt to hide my crazy. Attempt being the key word. Le sigh.

This year there will be some changes as change is already in motion and you know what a bastard change can be. And damn, do I do change well or what?! Love it. Love change, love, love, love it. Makes my warm-fuzzies all warm and fuzzy. Woot.

So, as the New Year draws close, have a drink for me, my friends. Raise your cups to wallowing and self-pity, change and hate. Cheers.

Let's play pretend!

I am going to old school it today and play pretend. I am going to pretend that Tony is not sick and I am not me. I am going to pretend that all my bills are paid-in-full and on time. I am going to pretend that I have a functioning relationship with my Mother. I am going to pretend I have a job that I love and that I am not dying on the inside. I am going to pretend that every-fucking-thing is roses, rainbows and kittens. I am going to pretend that the glass ceiling doesn't exist and there equality no matter of color, gender, sexual preference or size. I am going to pretend that Christians act Christian-like and everyone treats each other with love and respect. I am going to pretend that there is no pain or suffering and no one ever senselessly dies.

Maybe I should refocus my pretending because the above shit is a tad bit heavy for pretending. Methinks I must try again. I will channel my inner child, which doesn't happen to often because that cute girl with the fuzzy hair and pretty smile is afraid of the bitter hag that hangs out front. I think with some candy and the promise of a story I can get the inner child out and precede with the pretending.

I am going to pretend I live in a castle, not one of those "real" castles that are cold, dank and a bitch to heat but a warm, inviting castle whose walls are made of bubble wrap in bright vivid colors and whose floors are bouncy. In my castle, everyone will be happy. Not annoying, cloying, fake happy but honest, true, can't help but feel it in your heart happy. Everyone will work together for the greater cause, be kind and gentle. There will be no tears in my castle without hugs. There will be no bitterness in my castle because there is no room for bitter in a heart that is full of happy. There will be lots of sunshine but occasionally, there will be rain. The rain has to come to wash out the old and gently encourage the new.

In this castle I will be beautiful. Not what society deems beautiful because what society thinks is beautiful is just fucked up and fake. I will be beautiful because I will be happy and at peace and that beauty radiates from inside out. You, too, will be beautiful when you are in my castle because the happiness is plentiful and I want to share it with you. Now things won't always be happy in my castle because there has to be pain and suffering so that you know the joys of happiness and peace. But the pain and suffering in my castle will be met full-on with love and light and when the time comes, when the end is near, peace will fill our hearts with knowing that we did the best we could do, that we are leaving the castle a better place just because we were there.

So, let's pretend together about my castle, you and I.

Childless

I have started many a blog about being childless in this world where procreation is the norm but I can never seem to finish a blog or a journal entry or a thought or really a conversation without crying or lying but here goes the good ol' college try. Tony and I are childless and if you don't know that, well, where the hell have you been living all this time (I actually said "well you are a stupid fuck" but I am trying harder to be a softer, gentler Angie). There, I said it and I didn't die. I don't feel the pang in my chest near like I used to when I tell people we don't have children. Because well, we don't and we never will have them. Children were not our lot in life. It was never a purposeful decision on my part. I let nature take it's course and it's course was never pregnancy. Not once, never. I come from some kind of fertile family too so it has been hard at times. My poor step-mom would LOVE a grand kid and whelp, nothing going on here. Sam's in jail and I won't post David and Amber's personal business on here (you have a free pass this time) so, she is just going to have to be happy until it happens and it will eventually. All good things in time, right?

So, yeah, yeah, yeah, I am avoiding the whole point of this why do we not have children? We wanted kids when we were both just kids ourselves, Tony wanted a girl and I wanted twins, a boy and a girl. We never really tried but we never really didn't try. As we aged we realized nothing was happening, I would privately cry (believe that one or not) when someone announced their pregnancy and just go on with my life. I have been bitter about it a time or two, I would love to have some sweet baby feet to love and kiss, but as time has progressed I realize that God (or whomever) knew what they were doing when I didn't have children. And now I am pretty much at a point in my life that I no longer want or long to have children. I am happy to be an Aunt Sissy and I can leave things at that.

Now to the nitty-gritty with all this being said why didn't we adopt or foster? Well, I am totally down with that and I know that I have enough love in my heart to share, however, Tony doesn't feel that he could love something that did not spring from his loins (not that there is much springing there these days), so, it's not a fight I am willing to explore. How unfair would it be for me to force that on child? I am an ass on the best of days but not that kind of ass. So, childless we shall remain.

Which brings me to my next adventure. I want the box that children come in to be scraped, burned, removed, sold on eBay or some shit. I want it gone. It does not behave like a normal human. It bleeds without stopping and it makes me all crazy and lord knows I am crazy enough as it is. What am I going to do about it with all the medical bills I have already obtained? Play amateur surgeon! I know a few nurses and I think we could do this, all we need is a balloon full of scalding hot water, an IV and some sedation! I would even bite on a leather strap, if needed. So, who's in on it? We can even post it on YouTube (OK not the graphic parts but you know that shit would be viral). Any takers??

Sh*t's getting heavy 'round here

Life is heavy, man. H E A V Y, like my fat ass. And I am getting very tired of carrying this heavy-ass load (in more ways than one). Tony continues to be ill, who knew a mild UTI (tinkle infection for yous non-medical types) would set him back so far health-wise. A stinking damn mild UTI for christsakes so far has entailed; 2 PMD (family dr) visits, 1 liver dr. visit, an ED visit that lead to an over-night stay in the hospital, 3 rounds of blood work, a CT, 2 abt (antifuckyougerms medication) and a new specialist! Woot! No one loves specialist like we do! One mild UTI and I am so frustrated that I could just cry. Well, OK, let's be honest here, it's me, so a lot of crying has already been done.

This medical drama shit is just that, SHIT. The shittiest of the shit. We have been through so very much. Tony especially. Just to get a diagnosis involved all kinds of crazy tests, blood work and a bone marrow biopsy, which was especially a good time according to him. We get to meet a new Dr., a new specialist to run a whole bunch of painful, expensive and exciting tests! I am so damn exicted I can barely contain myself and well Tony, he could just shit, he is so thrilled!

Why and how did the set-back occur? Well, he has a new pain in his left side. Seemed reasonable that it was his kidney but NOOOOOOOO that would make too much sense and be too easy to diagnosis. So this pain? Well it's his damn spleen that hurts. Yeah, yeah, you read that correctly, his spleen is causing all this pain. Who in the hell has spleen pain? I mean really. I would daresay that most of us are unaware that we even have spleens. I mean, I have never said "Oh ouchie, my spleen". But my love-a-dove, well, he gets the special spleen pain because dammit, cirrhosis is just not enough suffering.

So, this is our life. I eat, sleep and breathe medical bullshit.I can't even hear the word liver without crying. Our life is heavy right now, keep this in mind when you see my fat-ass coming by with tears in my eyes and a sigh in my voice. Keep in mind that this shit is heavy.

sigh

I want to write tonight but I don't feel like I have anything to say that anyone wants to hear. Part of that is my ongoing battle with depression that I am currently losing and the other part of that is not feeling important to anyone, for any reason. Yesterday was Mother's day, my favorite holiday of course, with me having the best of Mother's and you know, having all the kids and stuff. Yeah...Mother's day. I am trying to be a better person to force a relationship with my mother and it really isn't working out so well for me. That is the funny thing with relationships, you can't force them. You can nurture them but you can't force them. Forcing a relationship makes them become weird and lord knows I don't need anymore weird.

I am finding that a lot of my relationships are forced. My relationship with Tony is forced or has been in the past. It is hard, you can't make someone like you or desire you. Or want to be with you. You can't. I want to. I have tried too but it just doesn't work out the way I think it should. I end up hurt and confused and well, the other person is still an ass. What is there not to like about me?

I have a hard time with relationships anyway. I don't trust well and when I do trust it always is the wrong person. It is a catch-22 for me. So, recently, I don't listen to my heart or my head and just don't trust anyone. It doesn't really work out but it is all I have at the moment. I am too hurt to do anything else and too stupid to fix my problem. So, here I am at the beginning again. Hurt and confused.

It's hard to put into words that I just want to be someones important somebody. Like their 1st choice. And I am not.

My life the crisis...

Yeah, yeah the title is dramatic. Don't like it? Well, who the fuck are you and why the fuck do you care what I title my blogs? Are you the blog po-po? The foul-language Nazi? My mom (btw if you are my mom, my blog title will be the least of your worries)? I guess what I am saying is I am kind of at a point in my life that I am tired of trying to please everyone while I remain horribly miserable. It is time, time for me to make some changes. Now I know, I get all fired up and decide I am going to change, it lasts about a week, a day, 10 mins and then I am back to my old games. Well, I am sure at this point in my life if I don't change and change soon I am going to die. Like prob not die die but more of a personal death. I am afraid of this death. I don't want it. I am so full of hate and anger and confusion. I struggle daily with everything. Like literally everything is a struggle, shit that shouldn't be a struggle just wears me out. I don't care about myself or anything right now. I am mean to people that don't deserve it like my hubby and my co-workers, both of whom are insanely understanding most of the time. Bad thing about a shit attitude is sorry only works for so long. So, we are back to shit has got to change. Like yesterday. It has to change.

Change, what am I going to change? Well, I am going to write. I plan on writing. I want to write. I need to write. I am sure there are going to be things that I write that is not going to make people happy and I am sure that a lot of the writing is going to suck. But, I think perhaps writing will invoke a change. I am optimistic about writing. Writing tends to soothe my savage beast.

Hang in there with me, my friends, as I am hanging in there for myself. Things will be better. I am going to leap out of my box, perhaps to leap back in, but this hate has to go. Hate is not welcome anymore in my life. I don't think this will be easy and I have to let it go...goodbye hate. Hey, hate, wait, before you leave, will you take a some bills with you? I don't really like them either. Oh yeah and maybe some fat off my ass? It's not really doing anything for me, so take all you want.