Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me has been a daily saying the past three weeks. It's bad enough that I have lost my husband. Lost my husband. Say that, think about it, lost my husband. What a dumb fucking thing to say. I lost my husband. You lose your keys or a pen. You don't lose a loved one but at the same time you can't say "my husband died". Or he's dead. It upsets people too much. It makes things too real. So I walk around saying trite shit like, he expired, or I lost, or he passed away and smile weakly and sigh and scream in my head " HE IS FUCKING DEAD DAMN YOU. DEAD".

I will never see him again. I will never hear I love you or I miss you or how was your day. I will never kiss or hold hands or touch him again. Who is going to fight dirty with me? Say all the mean, awful truths that one only knows from years of being together. Who's going to scrub my back and tuck me in. Who will love me when I can't love myself?

Going through this is just fucking awful. Awful. Nothing is easy, I can't take Tony off my medical insurance without filling out two packets of paperwork and even with that I had to write-in death. What a crazy thing. I was going to take him off the car insurance, nope can't do that because the car is in his name. Now I am not real sure of much these days but I don't think he is going to be driving real soon. And dammit if he seen driving is I say having car insurance is the least of my issues. Why is the world is all this so difficult? There is not many things in life that are for sure other than death. We are all going to die one day. Who makes all these decisions that makes simple things so difficult? Who the fuck is making these rules?

New title

I hesitated about blogging right now. I am going through a lot of painful feelings right now and I don't want to hurt anyone or perhaps it is I don't want to cause anymore hurt in a world full of hurt. Yeah, yeah, cliché but true.

It's been 2 weeks since Tony died. The first week was a numb blur, last week a numb blur and well, I am damned thankful for that numbness. I sit and I am still waiting for him to come home. Logically, I know he isn't returning but I do a few things around the house, sigh, and wait. The dogs wait. My family waits. His friends wait. We wait and he isn't coming home. And I am so fucking mad. I feel so cheated.

I feel the medical field that I work in failed him. It failed me. I have wasted all these years working nights, weekends, and holidays for nothing. I let this useless-ass medical field take-over my life and sap what happiness I had right out of me for what? For nothing. Nothing. I was already bitter and now I don't have the words for what I am.

There are things in life I never thought I would have to do, I had always kind of thought I was so damned high strung that I would just drop dead or perhaps a nice stroke? I just thought I would die first. I mean, I am left-handed -10 years, obese -10 years,  work nights -10 years, married -5 years, and no children -10 years. I should be dead last year. I don't relax, hate fun, eat junk and don't move. The 7 deadly sins and I are friendly-friends. I wasn't supposed to be left behind. But here I am.

Here I am. I am here. Starting a different life, a new life. What do I like to eat, how is it going to get fixed, bought, and put away. Who's going to eat with me? Ask me about my day. Worry when I am late coming home. Take care of me. Who is going to be my side-kick and who is going to have my back? No one had my back like Tony.

This blog is just a jumbled mess. Like my head. My thoughts. Myself. Our family and friends.

Illness is only for the sick

The hubby is ill, like seriously, are you fucking kidding me, really, fucking ill. And I am a fucking mess. A damned mess. A hot mess. It's crazy because things were going so well, smooth even. Tony started with the seasonal crazy, a tad early this year I might add, and I pointed it out to him, I even was somewhat nice about it. Usually, I am all OMG are you kidding me you are acting nutty than a fruitcake in March, which helps all of NONE but it doesn't stop me from stating the obvious. They don't call me Cap't obvious for nuttin'. But this year a kinder, gentler Angie has been spotted (stop laughing) and she said lovingly, Tony, really? I mean seriously, it is only Oct and it is too early to start this shit. And it worked. He told me the next day, I am sorry I let my crazy out and I am going to work harder on making this year a better year. WOOT.

Then BAM, the fucking life truck hit us. Hahahaha, it said, things going decently, let me fix that shit for you. And here we are 15 days into some of the worse shit ever. Today is day 10 in the hospital and let me just tell you, fuck the hospital. Fuck it right in the goat ass. It's not the care, no horror stories or anything, just it's the hospital. I only like being there when I am getting paid to be there and then I still don't really like it and they are paying me to be there. UGH. And watching Tony become weaker and sicker sucks stinky balls.



This is the blog I was actively working on when Tony woke up and said, "I want to sit up" and my life changed. I have no clue how much my life has changed or the depth of change but my life will be changed. See after this happened my Tony died. He died. While I would love to tell you something poetic and some bullshit but I can't. So, I am going to tell you some real shit instead.

I have a low hum of activity in my head. The what-ifs and whys. The should have and the could have and the OMFG what the fuck-haves. I believe I am partially in shock and in panic mode. I believe that the body/mind protects itself and right now it is protecting me because I am oddly numb and detached. This shit isn't happening to me. It's a joke. I would say Tony was just gone on a trip but really the only time he ever went anywhere on a trip without me was with Todd and I had to force him to go because he needed a break from me. I needed a break from him to but he needed a break from me. I am not a nice person. You have to remember this.

I stopped talking to Tony awhile back, it has been a gradual thing. Oh I am not saying I never talk to Tony, I am just saying, over time, I stopped talking. I let all the pain and hurt and anger build up and instead of dealing with it, I just stopped. Story of my fucking life right? And recently, I have had a change of heart and started talking more, I told him things he needed to hear about things I was unhappy about and the things I love about him. But I don't think I told him enough I loved him and that I needed him. When I was mad I would say "I don't need you, you know this right". Needing something is weakness. I don't want to be weak.

However, I am a fool.

*Cricket cricket*

I have been horribly quiet on the blogging front. Even I was surprised how long it had been. The months, weeks, days, hours, minutes and seconds just zoom past me while I attempt to grab them and corral them into some sort of memory that doesn't involve work and sleep only. Sadly, that is about all I accomplish. I don't work as much as some. I rarely pick-up extra time but I work all I can manage. My weight is currently at its highest and dammit I am killing myself. There are times when I get home I have to sit in my car because I am so damned tired I can't get myself together to make the "trek" into my house. Oh, yeah and the "trek" is about ten steps. What a "trek". And I am horrified to think about what I am going to do when I am working five, eight hour nights a week. Between my exhaustion and my mental state I am scared but damn the money is good right?

One of the biggest reason's I don't blog anymore is I have nothing new to say. No new bitches that I can blog about because I don't change much and everything I could or would bitch about would just get me in trouble. I have learned this lesson in the past. Of all the lessons to learn! Why can't I learn a fun lesson like, how to pay your bills on time? Or, how to stop fighting with the crazy in your life because crazy wins every fucking time? Or, you can't participate in life from your bed (this will probably be a lesson I will never, ever learn).

I am approaching my 20th wedding anniversary in a mere three months. 20 years, who knew it was possible. Will there be 20 more? Hush your mouth. I don't plan on living another 20 years. If I did I wouldn't stay the size I am, I wouldn't keep on doing the same shit over and over again. I would learn healthier habits. I would eat less and move more. I would deal with my stress. I would, I would, I would. I would be the little engine that could but instead I will be the fat girl that won't.

Ringing in the New Year

It's another New Year Eve. Whoo-fucking-who. Yeah, yeah, yeah greatful to be alive and all that jazz. Yeah, it is flippant but who are you to judge my blog? Move along, dillhole. This is all about my whine and not some hippie, rainbow butterfly bullshit about how everything could be worse, better, sideways, life is what you make it shit. I am feeling sorry for myself and dammit I am going to have a good wallow in my pity. Thanks. Now that that is out of the way let's get to the meat and potato of the matter. Why am I wallowing? Because, I can fuck-tard. Have you met me? I LOVES me some good ol' fashion pity wallowing. Hell, it is one of the best things I accomplish in life. I am damn proud of my wallowing abilities, they are pretty awesome. I can possess sighing and bed-riding abilities like no other. What is bed riding? Well, that is the ability to lay in bed for obscene amounts of time, while sighing and occasionally having human contact. I can ride that bed for days at a time! The only wallowing ability I do no possess however, is lack of hygiene. Sorry to disappoint you but while I may wallow I do not smell. I might look smelly but if you get close enough, which would involve you climbing in my bed, you would notice a nice whiff of clean ass, just throwing that out there for your pleasure.

My inner hope wants me to be like 2013 will be my year. Yeah! Let's go team and all that jazz but then my inner reality is all like "really bitch and how well has that rah-rah bullshit worked out for you in the past"? Then ensues the drama, level 1, requiring immediate attention aka retirement to my bed, so I can attempt to hide my crazy. Attempt being the key word. Le sigh.

This year there will be some changes as change is already in motion and you know what a bastard change can be. And damn, do I do change well or what?! Love it. Love change, love, love, love it. Makes my warm-fuzzies all warm and fuzzy. Woot.

So, as the New Year draws close, have a drink for me, my friends. Raise your cups to wallowing and self-pity, change and hate. Cheers.

Let's play pretend!

I am going to old school it today and play pretend. I am going to pretend that Tony is not sick and I am not me. I am going to pretend that all my bills are paid-in-full and on time. I am going to pretend that I have a functioning relationship with my Mother. I am going to pretend I have a job that I love and that I am not dying on the inside. I am going to pretend that every-fucking-thing is roses, rainbows and kittens. I am going to pretend that the glass ceiling doesn't exist and there equality no matter of color, gender, sexual preference or size. I am going to pretend that Christians act Christian-like and everyone treats each other with love and respect. I am going to pretend that there is no pain or suffering and no one ever senselessly dies.

Maybe I should refocus my pretending because the above shit is a tad bit heavy for pretending. Methinks I must try again. I will channel my inner child, which doesn't happen to often because that cute girl with the fuzzy hair and pretty smile is afraid of the bitter hag that hangs out front. I think with some candy and the promise of a story I can get the inner child out and precede with the pretending.

I am going to pretend I live in a castle, not one of those "real" castles that are cold, dank and a bitch to heat but a warm, inviting castle whose walls are made of bubble wrap in bright vivid colors and whose floors are bouncy. In my castle, everyone will be happy. Not annoying, cloying, fake happy but honest, true, can't help but feel it in your heart happy. Everyone will work together for the greater cause, be kind and gentle. There will be no tears in my castle without hugs. There will be no bitterness in my castle because there is no room for bitter in a heart that is full of happy. There will be lots of sunshine but occasionally, there will be rain. The rain has to come to wash out the old and gently encourage the new.

In this castle I will be beautiful. Not what society deems beautiful because what society thinks is beautiful is just fucked up and fake. I will be beautiful because I will be happy and at peace and that beauty radiates from inside out. You, too, will be beautiful when you are in my castle because the happiness is plentiful and I want to share it with you. Now things won't always be happy in my castle because there has to be pain and suffering so that you know the joys of happiness and peace. But the pain and suffering in my castle will be met full-on with love and light and when the time comes, when the end is near, peace will fill our hearts with knowing that we did the best we could do, that we are leaving the castle a better place just because we were there.

So, let's pretend together about my castle, you and I.

Childless

I have started many a blog about being childless in this world where procreation is the norm but I can never seem to finish a blog or a journal entry or a thought or really a conversation without crying or lying but here goes the good ol' college try. Tony and I are childless and if you don't know that, well, where the hell have you been living all this time (I actually said "well you are a stupid fuck" but I am trying harder to be a softer, gentler Angie). There, I said it and I didn't die. I don't feel the pang in my chest near like I used to when I tell people we don't have children. Because well, we don't and we never will have them. Children were not our lot in life. It was never a purposeful decision on my part. I let nature take it's course and it's course was never pregnancy. Not once, never. I come from some kind of fertile family too so it has been hard at times. My poor step-mom would LOVE a grand kid and whelp, nothing going on here. Sam's in jail and I won't post David and Amber's personal business on here (you have a free pass this time) so, she is just going to have to be happy until it happens and it will eventually. All good things in time, right?

So, yeah, yeah, yeah, I am avoiding the whole point of this why do we not have children? We wanted kids when we were both just kids ourselves, Tony wanted a girl and I wanted twins, a boy and a girl. We never really tried but we never really didn't try. As we aged we realized nothing was happening, I would privately cry (believe that one or not) when someone announced their pregnancy and just go on with my life. I have been bitter about it a time or two, I would love to have some sweet baby feet to love and kiss, but as time has progressed I realize that God (or whomever) knew what they were doing when I didn't have children. And now I am pretty much at a point in my life that I no longer want or long to have children. I am happy to be an Aunt Sissy and I can leave things at that.

Now to the nitty-gritty with all this being said why didn't we adopt or foster? Well, I am totally down with that and I know that I have enough love in my heart to share, however, Tony doesn't feel that he could love something that did not spring from his loins (not that there is much springing there these days), so, it's not a fight I am willing to explore. How unfair would it be for me to force that on child? I am an ass on the best of days but not that kind of ass. So, childless we shall remain.

Which brings me to my next adventure. I want the box that children come in to be scraped, burned, removed, sold on eBay or some shit. I want it gone. It does not behave like a normal human. It bleeds without stopping and it makes me all crazy and lord knows I am crazy enough as it is. What am I going to do about it with all the medical bills I have already obtained? Play amateur surgeon! I know a few nurses and I think we could do this, all we need is a balloon full of scalding hot water, an IV and some sedation! I would even bite on a leather strap, if needed. So, who's in on it? We can even post it on YouTube (OK not the graphic parts but you know that shit would be viral). Any takers??