Dr. Dork STAT

I love my husband. Really I do. I love him from his fuzzy lil' head to his Fred-Flintstone like feet. However, he is a medical weirdo and it is wearing me out. Fourteen months is a long time to be struggling with an unknown medical problem. We thought were we going to have answers on Monday but someone upstairs had a different plan as it snowed asshole deep to a big tall man and the appointment for Dr. Expensive Specialist was canceled. Yeah it has been rescheduled for March 11th. I don't want to wait that long. I want answers now dammit. Tony wants answers now. He has been in a terrible mood since his appointment was canceled and I have been mildly crazy. It has not been fun at this house.

But the medical drama doesn't end there. We need a new family doctor. Ours up and moved due to a nasty divorce so at the moment we are currently doctor-less. Easy enough to fix, call around find someone new. Yeah, good theory however, it seems that no one is taking new patients. And Tony only feels comfortable with female Dr.s so that really narrows down the search. I am not giving up though. We will find someone I am sure of it. I just hope that nothing else comes up during the hunt for a new doctor. (like the hives he has been having off and on for the past several days)

Well, as I have to work tonight and really hate being up in excess of 24 hours. I guess I will be heading back to bed. Have a great day.

Oh yeah and guess who lost 4 more pounds? That would be me!!

Wow

Today it a much better day. I actually slept for four hours straight, twice. So, basically I slept for a grand total of eight hours and I feel like a new woman. Yeah me! Sometimes, when I get in a mood like I was yesterday I blog because if I don't my head will explode, then I go back and I am tempted to delete the blog I wrote because A: they aren't usually good blogs and B: I think they make me look bi-polar, unstable, crazy umm a bit emotional. However, once posted I do not like to delete blogs. As my friend Phyllis has been known to say "it is what it is", thus the poorly written, semi-crazy sounding blogs stay. *sigh* Don't ya'll feel sorry for Tony having to live with a mess like me?

As for Weight Watchers, they can kiss my ass this morning. I want something full of fat, sugar, cream, eggs, butter and taste. Where is Paula Deen when a fat girls needs her? I actually had dreams about a luscious cheeseburger last night, loaded with all the goodies, slathered in Miracle Whip, bacon, BBQ sauce, and all the fixings and I cried a little because I could never take one juicy bite during the dream. Not even one bite. This morning to attempt to satisfy this craving I had a vegetarian mushroom burger, with cardboard tasty wheat bread, lettuce, a snort of mayo, and a salad with fat-free cheese like substance and dressing. It was well, it was, not a cheeseburger. But I am full and I have meet some of my daily requirements. Tonight it weigh-in and I don't think I am down a damn pound. I am going to have to suck it up and start exercising and the mere thought of exercising makes me want to barf. Wish me luck.

Maybe a nap is in order

Someone pissed in my Wheaties this morning and I am not happy about it. Not that anyone except the occasional weirdo would be happy about tinkle in their Wheaties but I really hate being this pissed off in the morning. For one I really dislike being up this early. I don't care for the quiet and all the time to think. I don't like being left alone with my thoughts because they sound eerily like my mother and they never have anything good to say. I never hear, "your a good person" or "gosh people love you". Nope, not my inner voice, it nags and says shit like "you suck" or "why aren't your smarter, prettier, thinner" or "why aren't you cleaning, this house is filthy, you can't even take care of your own house", I am guessing you get the point. Mornings are the worst time of the day for me most generally. Unless I start out in a good state of mind with plenty of sleep to back it up then I can enjoy the morning. This is not the case this morning. My sleep has been screwed up for awhile. I sleep maybe two hours at a time and then I am up either to pee or I am just wide awake. It sucks. I am tired about 5pm and ready to be in bed by 7pm and up again by 11 or at the latest 1a. It is stupid. I work night shift so I don't understand what the deal is with this shitty sleeping pattern. Up down, up down and up again. Pissing me off. Even the dogs are starting to get mad. Beatrice who used to follow me everywhere no longer gets up with me. She will occasionally snort at me and see if I brought back a snack but other than a snort she stays in her doggie bed, sleeping! Dammit I want to sleep too.

So what is pissing me off this AM? Well, stupid shit that has nothing to do with nothing really. I am tired of people hating on us fat people. You don't like me because I am fat well, fuck off. I probably don't like you either because you are a judgmental, shallow dickhead. I am not fat to personally offend you, your family or whatever bullshit beliefs you have. Yeah I obviously eat a lot and don't make the healthiest choices and I probably am lazy too but it is not any of your damn business. Why don't you take care of your family and business and I will worry about mine.  I don't live off of welfare, you aren't supporting my "habit" so please do me a favor and go fuck yourself (not that you will enjoy that because you are a terrible lay because shallow people suck in bed)*I was originally going to edit out all the stuff about being a terrible lay, but it's funny (childish) if nothing else* .

So with that, I think I shall, put the laundry in the dryer, let the doggies out and attempt to go back to bed before someone gets hurt.

Feeding frenzy

Blah, blah, blah is what I hear in my head. I am starving. I am weak. I go to bed thinking about what I am going to eat and I dream about what I am going to eat. Food is my obsession. And it is pissing me off. I started weight watchers at the end of last month. While I would love to say I have been a yo-yo dieter all of my life the truth of the matter is I am a good talker, not so good on the follow-through. The few times I actually did diet, I lost weight. I lost about 60ish pounds doing the adkins diet but as soon as I went back to eating food I gained all my weight back plus about 30 more pounds. It is hard for me. I never, ever remember being skinny. I was a small child until I was about 4ish and then I became chunky. I could go into detail here and speculation on why I became fat but it just brings up painful stuff. Things I am not ready to deal with. Maybe that is the problem. I am at a loss for words here. I am mad at myself for becoming as obese as I am. I am mad at those people that hurt me in the past that made me fat. I am just mad.

So I am guessing this weight loss journey is going to be more mental then about the food. Dammit. Time has come to change. Bah, too bad I hate change.

Please can I sleep?

Besides liver disease and my mother; insomnia is my worst enemy. I love, need, crave, have to have a good amount of sleep to function or I really get depressed. I can't be one of those functioning insomniacs that clean house or get lots of shit done since they can't sleep. I am one of those toss, turn, get up and eat a snack, pee, flop, get on the internet, go back to bed kind of crazies. I am hell to live with. Thankfully Tony sleeps like a log or we probably wouldn't have made it as far as we have. God love him.

I know what my problem is, I just don't know what to do about it. Tony is sick and I am grieving about it. I am already grieving the time I might not have with him and I feel like every second that passes is a second less I won't be able to spend with him. I want to grab all those seconds and save them. I know I am being a drama llama right now, hell, we don't even have the test results back but these are test results that I don't want back. I want my somewhat healthy husband back. Damn you platelets, damn you illness, damn you! I feel like my heart is breaking. Tony told me last night "it's not like I am going to die tomorrow." But what he don't understand is he is supposed to live forever. Who else will love me like he does? Who will tuck me in every night and fix my dinner? Who will love me at my worst and my best? Dammit. I am sick over this, sick. I know I am being selfish and bratty but I don't want my husband to be ill anymore. I am so fucking mad, MAD! This isn't how things are suppose to be. He feels bad at least 5 days a week now, maybe more, maybe less and well, I just can't talk about it anymore.

On to other things and I am failing at besides coping, sleeping and general life, I fell of the Weight Watchers wagon last night and early this AM. I have been doing so well the past two weeks. I am have lost a little over 8lbs in two weeks. But last night, not a good night. KFC was my downfall, book club, I did somewhat better there but I still ate way to much. And I kinda feel lousy about it but it's too late. I can't "uneat" what I have already eaten. So I hope today I will make better choices and that today will be a better day.

Crazy

Snippet from an actual conversation I had with my mother earlier today Mom says "Remember when Kim did your Grandma Pearl's hair when she died? Well, that's why I think Danny has prostate cancer." I say "huh" as my brain freezes and blood starts pouring from my nose (ok so I made the whole blood from my nose thing up but can't you see a statement like that causing blood to pour from noses?). Then Mom goes "Talking about your Grandma Pearl I was found some pictures the other day in an album with your name on it, it had some really good pictures of you and your Grandma Pearl and Aunt Kat and well do you have those pictures? Did Grandma ever give you those pictures. Oh, that album has your name on it" and then she pauses for a response, of which I have none so again, I say "huh"(how the hell can I have the album if you have it mom? Never mind the fact my brain is still frozen from the previous statement about Kim and cancer). After the second "huh" my mother then decides that I am distracted and perhaps I am still cross at her (our last phone conversations have pretty much ended up with me yelling at her). Then she goes on with the whole "I know you have your own problems right now but my insurance bill didn't show up and I wanted to know if you could do something about it." Now I am really quiet because what the hell can I do about her insurance bill. She further explains that she only gets "one bill every thirty days, one chance to pay it and has been on hold for two hours with the person from HR". Now I am really confused because I have no clue what she is talking about and NO ONE works at her house so who's HR is she holding for exactly. Now I have questions but she doesn't want to hear them. I start to talk and she says "Well, you are in a mood (or whatever she called it) so I will talk to you later. I know you love me. Bye" and hangs up.

This is why I am crazy.