Loser!

Well, I suck. I couldn't manage a blog a day for the month of Nov. Some days I really didn't have much to say, other days, well I still didn't have much to say. Actually, I have been busy recovering and going to the Dr. a million times with the ol' hubster. Which the million Dr. appointments have been useless because after the failure of the prednisone we back to square one. Oh well, what do you do? I am thinking, seriously, about getting a second opinion but I don't want to hurt Tony's hematologist's feelings. She is a wonderful Dr. I just want, need, have to have a second opinion! Maybe someone new could/would have a different idea? Who the hell knows. But enough of that.

Tonight I had some alone time with my nephew! It was great. We did have one minor glitch. He is 7 and thinks he knows EVERYTHING there is to know, will be to know, has ever been to know. Including my name and the spelling thereof. Let me explain, we were playing spelling games on the way to the movie. Josh said how do you spell Angela. I spelled it and he said, nope, that is not how you spell that. I was like, Josh, that is my name. He said nope, it is not your name. They call you sissy, angie, ange but not Angela. Again I repeated it is my name and things went downhill from there. But it was a minor glitch and after I stopped and explained that if he didn't stop arguing I would make him walk it hurt my feelings when he yelled at me. He saw things my way and the rest of the night was wonderful. Although I told him he was a nice date and he told me that he just wanted to be friends.

We watched the movie The Christmas Carol, it was good, the story line pretty much as to be expected for that movie. Which was kinda disappointing. I don't know what I was thinking but I felt that story line could have been mixed up a bit. Other than that it was good. It is not however, for little kids or kids that are easily scared, as some of the film is kind of scary especially with the whole ghost thing. The people sitting in front of us,scarfed down a bunch of snacks, belched, stunk and left. Saying the movie was a waste of time. I am guessing they didn't get the whole point of the movie. I should have known that when stinky adults squeal over the latest chipmunk movie they aren't exactly the take home a moral lesson from a movie kind of people. (so now I am thinking, what kind of person takes home a moral lessons from a movie? Losers like me I guess. Guess you have to take your morals however you can get them...)

Well, I am tired, the dishes are done, lil puppy is still crying and I am going to bed.

Whoops!

I am in homework hell. I have a monologue and a small paper due tomorrow and the dreaded 5000 word paper of doom due next weds along with my 25 minute presentation. OH Hell, I am screwed. I swore and be damned I wouldn't do this to myself and yet here I sit. I am a dumb ass who is incapable of learning. I make the same mistake over and over. Damnit. I can't even say I work better under pressure because this is some kind of pressure. I really want to graduate (I think) and for it to occur I have to write this shit paper best paper ever. Damn, damn, damn. Well I am just putting off the inevitable. So, wish me luck. And if you see me lurking on facebook, please feel free to yell at me. Thanks! All my farms, parks, restaurants can live without me. *sigh* It's going to be a long week.

Joy!

Today, I am finally pretty much mobile. I drove for the first time since Sept. Drove a car by myself and went to see House of the Blue Leaves at Shawnee for my theater class. Let me say one thing, it was wonderful. How much I have missed being alone, in a car, going somewhere. It was wonderful. FREEDOM!

Well, tomorrow is our thanksgiving feast at Rach's. It's her first Turkey, she is brining it as we speak, so wish her good luck! I have most of my part of the dinner complete. Just a few more things to put together and then I will be ready.

So the blogging everyday, not really working out for me. I do make it about every other day.

Well, have a great weekend. Love yourself.

Snoring...

Well, my poor hubby is sitting in the chair snoring. He is not feeling well again today. It's been a long while since he has felt decent. He is weening off of the steroids and tomorrow off to the hematologist to figure out another treatment option for his low platelets. It's always something. Poor guy can't even get his teeth cleaned without someone thinking something is wrong with him. He has some white spots on his gums so he needs a mouth biopsy. ARGH! Enough already. Ok?

All the groceries are purchased (except for the brining supplies, I forgot the salt) for our thanksgiving feast on sunday. I am happy and excited. I can't wait. Well, I am getting off of here, my legs hurt and I need to work on my paper.

Nothing to say

So Thanksgiving is coming up next week, just in case you have been living under a rock and were not aware. And this year, I don't feel as lost as I have the past few years with Gran/Pap and Gertrud being gone. Our traditions are still kind of screwy but we are at least going to be all together in one place. I am thankful for that. I  hope that my mother and step-father show up not drunk and ruin in good shape to celebrate thanksgiving.

What are we doing this year? Well, we are celebrating at Rach's on Sunday that way she won't be tired and run down. She has to work a crazy schedule next week and working nights makes celebrating holidays difficult. I am excited. I think I will go and see my dad on thanksgiving day, I am supposed to be back to work but we will see.

I am tired and I think I am going to bed. Night night

Well..hell...

Today has been for shit. Not a total waste of day but just one of those days were going back to bed and pulling the covers over your head (so the monsters can't get ya) seems like the best plan ever. I am so sick and tired of my foot. Seriously, I yelled at it. Not sure what that accomplished because now not only does it have poor range-of-motion, it's feelings are hurt. Damn me! Why do I act like that? Could be because my foot seems to be the root of all that is evil. Ask Tony, he will tell you all about it.

Tony has been in a piss poor mood today. Yeah is me. He is allowed, he has this ongoing platelet stuff, now the dr thinks he has some sort of liver issue, and he is poked and prodded just about daily. It sucks. And this is the week of his mom's death, just not a good time for him right now.

And with all the luck we are having, I say, "Tony, why don't you go and start my car. It hasn't been started in oh about 8 weeks." He starts my car, takes it a little ride around the block, comes back and of course, my car is messed up. There is some strange thumping noise and jerking when it is being driven. Yeah, so I have no income, I am still not back to work, nor does it look like it will be happening any time in the future and my car is sick too. Your kidding right?

Pretty much everyone in the house is having some sort of health issue. Bea has been coughing/choking which Tony and I are both afraid it's cancer. We already know she had cancer in her foot so...we don't have the guts to take her to the vet yet. I know we should but I think if, well, I just can't even say it, but well, not right now ok?

Well, I am off to work some more on the paper of death. Wish me luck.

Not going to make it...

Who knew it would be so hard to blog daily? I didn't. I mean come on, throw a few witty words on the net and move along little doggie but it really doesn't work that way. For one, a person must have material to write about, since I don't really follow the news, popular culture and can't always blog about my family (oh Lord how I want to blog about my mother!) I am kind of running out of material. But here it is. Or not, Tony is jonesing for the computer. Why do we only have one computer? Because that should do two people! Well, Tony again saves the day and the blog with his sighing.

So I am going to get off here and work on my senior seminar paper! hahahahaha

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we have heard this song before

Today was for shit, thanks for asking. I ask my pt what she thinks about me going back to work next week. She clamps her lips shut and looks at me for a minute. I am like, oh so not going to happen huh? She then starts talking about 3 weeks this and 3 more weeks that and I stopped listening somewhere around 3.  Now if I didn't want to go back to work, you know I would have been back about a month ago. Can't get a girl get a break? Oh wait, I guess that was the problem in the first place eh?

Then Tonys platelets don't know what the hell they are supposed to do. Stupid fuckers, they were supposed to go UP with all of the steroids he is taking. UP, not down, first week down from 67 to 55 (or something close to that), this week down to 43. Dammit. So now the hematologist doesn't think it's ITP, could be something else. Maybe now it's his liver. Really? Maybe now, what about a year ago when all this shit started what about then? GRRRR

And this isn't a good time of year for any of us. The anniversary of Gran's death and Gertrud's death is this week. It's been two years and I think it will take 200 more before the pain goes away. I love you gran and gertrud and I miss you every day.

Well, with that I am going to bed. Fuck you Friday, I am going to try again tomorrow.

Today's not been one of my best days

I cringed in fear when I heard the scratch, scratch, scratch of a small blond puppy on the door. I know she was just outside about 10 mins ago and Tony is not in the best of moods. Scratch, scratch, whine. Oh hell, please don't kill the puppy, Tony roars "Can't I fucking watch a half-hour show, you stupid dog?" I could have gotten up and taken the puppy out but Tony was already mad and I didn't want him to yell at me! The doggie gets over it quicker than I do. Hell, I am not even sure she knows he is yelling at this point. Prednisone is really starting to get the best of poor Tony. He is moody, sweaty, hungry and all together not having a good time. Tomorrow is his next blood draw, so we are hoping for a good platelet count, maybe in the 80-100 range, so he can have surgery. Last week, the damn things went down from 67 to 55, even the Dr. was shocked. Stupid platelets.

On a good note, Becky came over and cut my hair. She did a great job. My hair is at that miserable in between stage as I am letting it grow out.

I suppose that is it. I am going to try and make a sweet potato pie. A pre-thanksgiving trial run in fact!

Banning books

I am an avid reader (I really didn't want to call myself an avid reader for some reason, strange huh? Not like there is a damn thing wrong with being an avid reader, it just sounds so...boring!!). And I was horrified when I learned that book banning is thriving today. I guess I live under a rock not to know about book banning but for some strange reason I thought it to be a thing of the past. Ummm, no! I guess it didn't really get good and started until sometime in the 1970's and is really the "cool" thing to do if you live in West Virginia. Totally pisses me off. 

Who in the hell doesn't like books? If you have something against a book, think your kid can't handle what's in the book, well don't read it (I hated Portnoy's Complaint and I still read most of it...) and let your kid be illiterate. Stupid asses! Books kept me sane when times were insane at home. They are my friends. And SHAME on you book banners for being small minded assholes. And double shame on us for letting you survive and flourish in public schools. Don't punish all the kids because you are afraid your kid might read something controversial, never-mind the fact they probably play video games, watch crappy TV and ride the bus. You want to learn some stuff, ride a public school bus. Oh My. Makes my blood boil.

who knew?

Yeah so my blogs are so boring here lately that I think I am going to have to start lying to get some excitement into them. There are many reasons my blogs have been boring as of late, one is I am in a rut and trying to heal myself, which makes for a boring existence, and some other is some of the things going on in my life I really can't put into words. So if I can't put shit into words I have no blog. Some of my better blogs if I do say so myself are when I can relax and write as if I am writing only for myself, like a journal. Then someone will say "I like your blogs" and then I panic and realize that other people read my words and I freak out and it really affects (effects, what-the-hell-ever) my writing. I can't always just put everything out here for everyone to see. It would hurt too many people because I am mean as hell. Seriously, totally mean, believe it.

With that being said, however, I do have a small bitch tonight. It may even turn into a big bitch if I put enough effort into it. But...I digress. Tony and I were watching the Cleveland show (which I can't decide if I like or not) and the topic was Cleveland's step-daughters virginity. This episode totally pissed me off. Basically saying that "girls" should keep themselves virgins so men will like them and men should "do" everything that comes along and boys that are virgins are nerds/geeks/freaks or whatever have you. I am sure that the episode was poking fun at cultural expectations and rules but it really just rubbed me raw. Woman consistently get the short end of the stick. We make less money than men, we face crazy expectations about our looks and never aging, and we never, ever can enjoy sex. A woman that enjoys sex is whore/slut/easy in our societies eyes. And it pisses me off. We should be open and accepting and comfortable with  women who are sexually comfortable with themselves. We don't enjoy that wonderful sensual feeling of a sexual relationship, instead we (yeah, I am using the royal we tonight, deal) feel way too many other emotions (was it too soon, will they call, was I too loud/quiet/wet/dry, was it any good, did I look fat, etc etc). When a woman is open about her sexual needs and feelings people get all crazy and uncomfortable and it's sad. We should support and encourage each other to have our needs satisfied. There are woman out there who cannot orgasm, will not orgasm and fake orgasms. Wouldn't we all be a little happier if we were having orgasms regularly? I know I would! Ok tangent there. I do want to mention that I don't think teenagers of either sex should be having sex until they are older. I know this is an old-fashion and unpopular point of view but it's true. I am sure there are those of us out there who's first sexual experience perhaps was the most wonderful experience ever (and I think they are lying), but for a lot of us it isn't. It is confusing and scary and opens a door to things teenagers are not ready to handle emotionally. Hell a lot of adults are not ready to handle the emotions that having sex brings.

I guess it's just complicated.

plogging along

Well, I didn't think I was going to be able to make my post a day commitment because to be honest I went to be about 10pm last night. Yes that probably is kind of confusing because here it is 3:39am and I am wide awake and blogging. Why?  First thing that woke me up, lil puppy digging my head to get under the blankets, then I had to pee, and after I got up to pee realized I had some horrible heartburn. So I just got up and stayed up. This was about 2 hours ago. I am just checking my various games on facebook then I am planning on going back to bed because I have PT at 10:30am. I am kind of anxious about PT because how well I do in PT=returning to work. I have faithfully been doing my stretches and tonight noticed that I can move my foot a little better. It is still really painful. Walking sometimes takes my breath away it hurts to bad. I get on Tony all the time for his little moans and groans when he moves and I will be damned, now I am doing the same thing, as he so lovingly pointed out.

I am still pissed over the fact that I cannot bathe comfortably. Bathing has been painful since August, I can't hardly stand in the shower because I am afraid of falling and it hurts and raising and lowering my big ass in and out of the tub is an issue. Grrr. I am really tired off all this shit.

Well, I suppose that is all I have to say. I really need to get in bed and get my foot up.

Ugh!

So I shouldn't read blogs before I write one. Blog first, read last. Stupid-head. Especially important when I am feeling like I am. I knew it was going to be one of "those days" when I took a look at myself in the car mirror (I was going to put on some make-up before we arrived at Rach's housewarming party) and thought WTF is wrong with my eyebrows? I know they need waxed and I have really fuzzy, huge, awful eyebrows. Thanks Dad. I mean they are like two black (speckled with gray because who doesn't think that is sexy on a woman) caterpillars on my face. I quickly stopped looking at them and notice lots of other wrong-doings on my face and said, eh, fuck it. Whaddya do at that point. It's my face. I drink lots of pop and  love snacks, so my face is kind of broke out. I sleep on my right eye, so now it has a constant discoloration which I assume is bruising from sleeping on my eye and You know what? And it is what the fuck it is. Blemishes, wrinkles, discolorations and all it's me. Pointing out all my faults and sharing all my deep-dark loathing on here, not going to help a damn thing. I have to stop being so negative. It is just self-destructive and stupid. So there, stupid-head.

Well, my foot hurts. I have been doing my PT like I am supposed to and I keep trying to walk correctly, so Tony will stop bitching about me dragging my foot along. I really can't help that it doesn't work but he is just trying to help me get better.

I think I am getting off of here. I am thirsty, snackie, cold, bitchy, whiny and thinking maybe I should just go to bed. Night!

Early but I can't help it

So as I stated before I am trying the whole one blog a day challenge! Not such a bad challenge so far but (always a but) I usually write really late at night or early in the morning depending on what is going on my favorite time to blog is between 3am-5am give or take an hour or two. Why is this shit important you are asking yourself? Well, I am trying to not be a cheater and this technically is not the next day yet. But I am extremely tired tonight and not sure I am going to make it to midnight more-or-less 3am. So but early than never right? Or is that late than...well I am sure you know what I mean. (Ok, so I keep getting really distracted by the cutest lil' puppy waving her paw at me to play. Cute and annoying. And cap't buzzkill *bea* keeps getting pissed off because we are playing.)

Hum, I had about a million things to say and now nothing really stands out. I did have my physical therapy consult today, I cried as usual. I have cried for two days now. I am getting frustrated with this whole ordeal. My insurance won't pay my medical bills, I am in worse pain now than I started with, they gave me a cane today to help me "walk" and I am whining. It can always be worse. My foot will heal and I will be as good as new right? I will live through this. But dammit bitching about it feels so good. I am tired of being the patient. I want to be better NOW. What does the physical therapist say? Well, you still have a long way to recovery?! I am like WTF, I need recovered now. I need to be working. Bah! What do you do? Not a damn thing, follow the rules, walk with a cane and hope someone has some depends somewhere because that's the next step.

Tony has been a great caregiver, however, the predinsone he is taking for his platelet count is starting to get the best of him. He yells at me or the dogs until someone cries then all is well. I am silent a lot these days. I don't want to make things worse. He can't help it but I will be damn glad when this is over. I feel so bad for him because fall and the holidays are shitty for him. His dad died in jan (a long time ago), his mom died nov two years ago, last year minor health crisis and surgery, and this year I am broken, he is sick and facing surgery again. He told me the other day that his mom was going to buy his a video game he wanted, then in horror we both realized what he just said and cried. It was pretty awful. When grief like that hits it takes the breath right out of a person. He then told me he was an orphan at 38 and it's sad. There is nothing I can do to take his pain away. And that is my thing, I would rather suffer than have anyone else suffer. Doesn't ever work out that way but, I would take his pain if I could. And Tony's only brother has nothing to do with us. He is too busy judging Tony and I and being a "good christian" in his eyes that he can't even be part of our family anymore.

Last night I finished reading where the red fern grows and all I can say is screw you book. That book about made my heart break in two. It was so sad. I am out of books to read currently, so I guess that leaves homework huh? We are reading Gone with the Wind for book club. Wish us luck.

Well, lil puppy thinks she needs to go outside and bark.

Be careful what you wish for...

The foot saga will never end. All I have wanted since the cast had been put on was for the damned thing to come off. I hated the cast, heavy, hot, itchy, uncomfortable, and the proof that I am mortal and weak. Today I got the cast off and I about died. One my foot was beyond gross. The skin on my foot from the eczema was just well, let's just say GROSS! It felt like leather and smelled like ass. Oh so gross. I was going to put up the picture of my foot but my sister Rach, god love her, thought it a bit much. She said "I wouldn't but you're different...lol". We all know what different means. Crazy...lol

So in my head (seriously) I thought I would have this cast removed and I would just hop up and walk. Like I had planned on going shopping to celebrate walking, who in the hell was I kidding?! I am so stupid sometimes I am shocked I breath on my own. For one, my foot has been kept at a 90 degree angle, basically tip-toe so I couldn't bear weight on my foot. So logically with muscle atrophy (wasting away) and my foot healing in this angle means I can't walk without an extraordinary amount of pain. Makes sense now but I seriously thought I would be up dancing tonight, possibly back to work tomorrow! WTF is wrong with me? The realization that I still have a long road ahead of me kind of makes me want to cry. By the time I limped to the car I was almost sobbing it hurt so bad. I am so fucked.

Well, what's now you ask? That is a good question. Physical therapy starting ASAP and back in the black boot of death. And hopefully back to work in 2 weeks. I have to get back to work or I will be selling an egg on ebay or some shit. All this and the holidays are coming up. I have to get better because Tony needs surgery too! I can't just be hopping around the rest of my life.

Well, I suppose that is all I have to say tonight. Pray for Tony to have good platelet count tomorrow and for his blood sugars to lowered.

I'm already behind

I am stealing my friend Kasey's blog. Isn't that grand of me? But apparently, this is national blog month http://www.nablopomo.com/   (I didn't try to sign up for their blog site, as I feel I already belong to way too many things to keep track) and the challenge is to post a blog everyday for a month. Kasey is 4 days behind and well, a blog up on me. I did post yesterday so that counts right?? Right?!

So expect mindless blather everyday from me. I am sure it will be fun and maybe even cute at first but after about 14 days of me whining, I am sure everyone will be over it, including me.

Tonight, I really don't have a blog subject, just some random thoughts, the foremost on my mind is someone telling me that I just don't know how to be happy. Damn. How the hell did I miss that boat? I mean really,
who the hell doesn't know how to be happy and when did it happen to me. I want to be happy. If fact it is something I regularly pray for and when I see a falling star it is my wish. To be happy. Truly, honestly, shit-in-my-pants happy (and if you don't think that is happy, watch a happy baby have a nice poo...).
And then come to find out all this time I could have been happy but I don't know how. Damn, damn, damn. Where do I learn how to be happy? Do I take a class or read a book? Will there be a test? I am pissed! Not only do I have a 5000 word paper due but now I have to learn to be happy. Fuck.

I owe, I owe...well you know the rest

Well, the cast of doom comes off Thursday, come hell or high water. Wearing a cast is so yesterday! After the cast comes off I suppose I will return to work and boy am I bummed out about it. I was making all these plans today and Tony ruined it all by saying, hon, you will be back to work by then and I was instantly crushed. It's not that I don't miss my friends at work or want to be a contributing member of society but dammit I like being at home. I like my time to be exactly that MY time. Damn. Now I am not self-centered enough to think I am the only person with these thoughts, I mean seriously who wouldn't want a life of luxury, not working and no housework?

I will be glad even if it means going back to work to have the cast off, I am just scared about returning to 12 hour night after not walking at all for 6 weeks. Wow, what a suck.

Hell, I am falling asleep and I have school tomorrow, so I am off of here. Night